Cyclone

Toppled like a robust tractor in the path of an angry tornado. Flattened like a defensive tree at the sight of a funnel cloud. Laid out like the famous fainting goats.

Someone let the air out of my bicycle. No, not my tire, but my actual bicycle. Oh I feel you honey, but that's just a garden variety T storm. Stand tall Steel Trooper.

I was just doodooing along in my automobile, humming a tune, singing a song when schwhooschwooschwoo...

Weird, they should cut back those trees...they are entirely too close to my schwoobeeschwoobeedoo....OH MY, that's not right.

Sure enough my bicycle (okay an old shitty donated one) was perpendicular to my vehicular. As in the down tube was indeed DOWN, the shifters, SHIFTED, the brakes, BROKEN. The driver, YIKES!

It was old. She was tired. But please, please don't lay down on my roof!

Eye Should Have Been Biking

But it was too hot to go outside.

A Dear Tale

Amazing Day: Take Two

I laid down upon a wood planked walk. My feet propped upon the stilts of the house, book in hand, sun in eyes. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter (for real!) and a red haired pooch came barreling by my head.

Engrossed in my book I didn't budge and expected its owner to poke her head around the corner any second. But she never materialized and I could feel the beast just beyond my reach. I tilted my head backwards to glance upside down at....not a puppy at all but a small deer on the beach!

Oh yes I did!

We froze staring at each other completely frightened by the other. Out of the corner of my eye I could barely see planks and realized just how close I had come to having my lights hoofed out!

I panicked some more wondering, if after deciding to flee, this thing would finish me off. I slowly righted myself and stared him eye to fuzzy antler just before he took off across the tiny beach. Into the next property and next and bounded off right there through the bay water!

Wow. Recue the sunset.

Good To Be Home

What an amazing day! And good to be back on the bike. I know I shouldn't be alone, but what can you do?

And for all the girl cards I've pulled on a downed log or three, there isn't a rock on a trail that can put the scare on me!

I take them at breakneck speeds heels nicking at trailside weeds. I launch off of boulders think not of my shoulders just of my wants and needs.

But let's talk about that sunset! OMG. It was gorgeous. I was thinking of someone special as if they were sitting right there with me overlooking the city as that bright orange globe sunk into the valley.

What was left was an almost full moon, beautiful and bright, nestled in the glow of a leftover pink sky.

I think I'm in love. Oh, it was a good day.

Lost

This is a story from the road. I was reminded of it upon my return when I got lost, here, wherever that is.

Coming into Pagosa Springs we rolled up on an accident. It was all of a sudden and shocking. I don't think we processed what we were seeing.

I mean, I know it was an RV, and it was crunched. But really all I saw was RACE COVERAGE.

The journalist in me took over, but a second too late. Who, What, How? We became a team of bowed heads. No one was praying or soul searching...they were surfing, sole surfing.

Some tapped on computers, some pulled on ipads, most cradled iphones. All came up empty. The information highway, here tucked between the mountains, was not as fast as the highway of life.

I am a tech, but not a techie. I went inside the gas station and asked. Whahahappened? RV ax, 06:00, 8 injured, non serious.

I reported back to my crew. "How do you know that?"

I asked. A human! Imagine.

Day Seventh Heaven

6 Days 5 Hours 21 Minutes.

Really? It seems so much longer. And shorter. 3000 miles later I became a different person.

I may not be able to remove myself from a past box, but I can certainly fashion myself a new one. I do not need to hide in it. I do not need to stand upon it. I could have used it to see over the steering wheel, however.

I was able to see things from a different view...yes, even there in the teensy Arvee kitchen. A much broader, less isolating view. I am ready to let go. I am ready to move on.

The June gloom is lifting, and the country looks pretty damn awesome.

Day eighty Six the Bitch

[FLOAT: left] Definitely: Align Photo LEFT.

This was a puppy we saw in Tuba City. It was sad. And alone. And hungry. Everyone said, awww.

In Blanchester Ohio it was blue and orange and blonde all over. And looked a lot like Janna. She was scared. And alone. And phoneless. Everyone said, whoooo?

"I was checking the leaderboard" Oh, it's cool, but if she ever turns up missing: WE HAVE HER HERE! "Well, you should put someone in charge when you're not in the RV..." I DID, YOU LEFT HER BEHIND!!!

Why exactly are we taking a head count if we aren't counting actual heads? We are All Wheels 4 Fibromyalgia, nobody ever called us Marines. Besides it's no child left behind; once you're an adult you are apparently oYo. Pedal fast!

Priceless. The look on the shuttle crew's face when Janna rolled up next to us and poked her flushed cheeks out some stranger's car. Flashbacks of Romper Room. I see blue. I see orange. Why do I see Janna??

Can I come in? Should I go to the RV? HELLS NO! They are the ones that left you behind. We'll take you! Get in! Don't tell Karl.

oYo....On Your Own.

Day Five Hour Energy

10 MILES OUT!
Pasta!
Meat!
Veggies!
Nuts?
Sure!
If it's edible, throw it in the bowl! Stir, heat, serve.
3 MILES OUT!

I don't take orders. I don't make substitutions (unless you are a rider). I don't serve you. I cook, clean, repeat. NO SOUP FOR YOU!

I took a trip across the country and all I got was this limited view. see above. I heard about tarantulas. Sunsets. Beautiful mountains. Sand dunes. I saw a stove, sink, and pans.

And pasta. Lots of pasta. And water bottles. One more water bottle ends up in MY sink and someone is going to eat plastic for dinner!

Mmm...Y I think you've outdone yourself this time, what do you call this? Pastic du Journey. It's a little tough when it's cold.

Once I ran out of meat and tried cutting up my thumb for protein. Instant red sauce. Just add jalapenos. Owie.

Don't knock ham in a can until you've tried it. NO it's NOT Spam!

Day Four Caution

Okay, let's recap. One broken hand. One blocked intestine. One hell of a hematoma the size of my noggin. Batman needs his rabies shot today.

And we've got a rider who can't ingest anything except air. She is crossing the Rockies on nothing but saliva. And still smoking the competition.

Watching a team fall into the pits of sleep deprivation is an amazing thing. The simplest tasks become impossible challenges. Sentences contain questionable English. Skills become weak. Drowsiness abounds. Your own words sound distant and foreign.

Now, go balance yourself on an 8 lb carbon bicycle. Perch yourself behind the wheel of a closely following automobile. Fire up the engine on that massive Arvee. These are not the ideal pastimes of a sleepy individual.

Hell, all I did was ungracefully dismount the bed and I wound up with the dark side of the moon on my ass! All I'm saying is shit happens.

Take the RV we saw entering into Pagosa Springs. Crumpled side, crushed front, living room furniture on the highway like they stopped for a picnic. It's true. Scary reminder. No serious injuries but inevitably DNF.

This ain't no cross country tour!

Day Three's Company

Five's a crowd. I mean how many fingers do you need, really?

I didn't take the call. I heard she. And splint. Supplies. On the flats? Denise went down on the flats? A splint? Around handlebars?

Our McGyvers flew into action. Foam handlebar tape? Q-tips? Tampon applicator? I was willing to spare my precious supply. In the end we settled on emory board.

This was turning out to be quite the journey. And we were making gloves out of nothing at all. Out of nothing at all I tell you!

Turns out it wasn't a rider after all. And we were lucky. The track stands were more dangerous than originally presented. I guess that's why they call 'em break cables.

What does her jersey say: SAFETY??

Day Two Much Fun

It's the next hit reality series. I know I've blogged this before. Ten people in an RV, vote one out, make them ride...

I mean it really did feel like the Amazing Race. Change the directions to clues and you could have something.

But just it in itself is worthy of a season. Throw some cameras in Arvee and just watch 19 people coexist under extreme conditions for a week.

Surprisingly I'm not sure we'd have good ratings. We got along entirely too well. There will be the issues at the end, the injuries along the way, those unchosen few left behind...

We laughed, we cried, we spooned. See who did what to whom when. Tune in to see how we manuevered our way out of an issued penalty. FYI: There is crying in RAAM.

Kate Plus Eighteen....check your local listings.

My lucky stars, looky what I found at the end of the rainbow! A heart of gold.

Day One Man Down

Just because I escaped Oceanside unscathed does not mean all is well on the mobile home front. Even before the race officially started AW4F was in the sick of it.

Somewhere east on 78 the photographer was tossing cookies. And the germophobes were spinning. And the crew chief was lying.

The poor guy was really sick. And I'll be honest no one was about to risk the race in the first hour. They wanted to kick him out right there in the desert. "Get him out of the RV!" they pleaded. "Put him in the car!" "He'll contaminate the riders!" "Quarantine him Quick!"

Let's calm down. We can't put him in the rider car, let's be rational. He's not contagious. Here's where I start to lie. My extensive medical background indicates he has merely eaten something that is not agreeing with him...we are all safe from meandering germs. But wash your hands. Often. With bleach.

I take one look at him. His gaunt face. The inset eyes. The black circles. This dude is SICK! No one wants him around. He paces the RV. He lays here, there, and everywhere. We are in trouble. Even if he isn't contagious I have a serious scare on my hands and I need to deal with it.

Arizona! This is the answer. He has family in AZ. Speedrace them to Blythe I don't think we can wait one more TS. The first team in gets no rest, voices concern, doesn't want to touch anything.

We don't have enough bungees to affix them all to the outside of Arvee. Nor could they withstand the desert heat. I have visions of National Lampoons RAAM Vacation.

Now I missed the actual departure due to leaving in the follow vehicle in Blythe, but I heard the tale. Poor guy, his family didn't make it in time and we had to skedaddle.

Now I don't mean to make light of a serious situation, but I'm quite certain if the shopping cart were turned and the photographer weren't sick we'd have one or two or twenty four pictures of the event.

So there goes AW4F racing away on Highway 10. The photographer deserted in the darkened, empty parking lot of Albertsons. His gear and possessions shoved in a shopping cart like a bum on a street corner.

He really was sick. And I wish we could have done more. But getting him out was a blessing. He ended up in the hospital all week with a blocked intestine. Avoided surgery and is recovering nicely.

And then there were 19.

Broadcast Log Blog

FLASH. It's a source on my switcher. A source I used to know about. That was back when people ran master control. Now it's any robutt's guess.

Theoretically you can punch this up and the weather guy can create his own special report. He has a camera, microphone, lights, foxtrotting switcher!

Surely this is a union violation? Funny, at the end of the day they still need YOU to punch it up in Automation Control.

Surely there is some violation in taking an unknown source to air without confirming it actually works first? No? Really? Just take it? Live? On the air? To test it? OH, it just works. And you know that how?

Okay, that's my two and a half sense. I can see the camera, but I cannot check the audio. No worries. Put it on the air! News FLASH: It doesn't work. Thanks for that!

Let's make a list

• FLASH cam has no audio
• Technically, scary weather has already passed
• Phones ring off the hook with, "I want to speak with your supervisor"
• And "We don't care, give us Tiger!"
• While in special report MC has no way of audibly monitoring Network
• Half way through, automation lives up to its name
• Meaning on air picture changes even though no one asked it to
• And there's no way to punch back to a source you technically never left!

And then my boss calls and wants to know if it was captioned! How 'bout this can you read this!?

Bike Porn

WHAT?!? The blog title is Bike Porn. What are you looking for here? Text? Copy? It's okay if you don't just read the articles. Look at the beautiful frames. Caress them. Drool. I did.

Vintage Schwinn with Campy components. Campy and Schwinn...my how the world has changed. What are we coming to?

John Yo!

Thanks for the laugh; they're actually CLOSED.

Air Conditional

This is what AC looks like at a small non-profit. Really, that's an air conditioner, I think. I used it as a fan pedestal.

You have to be careful with blowing, moving air, however. Especially when counting money. Craig says I should make it a game and let it blow around the room and see how much I can grab. Can I use what I grab to buy a real air conditioner?

Why is it 'air' is a problem at both of my jobs?!?

Sibilance

So I was driving along...yes, driving. This was after a delightful girls only ride at Schaeffer. So I was driving along...

fssssssssssttt. I thought it was in the music. But it was so loud even once I turned down the stereo. Could it be some type of factory or construction noise? Here in park central Maryland? Doubtful. FSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTT...

I might have thought it was my tire but did I mention how loud it was? And conssssstttant. And unending. Surely I would have felt it by now if it were my tire. Right?

Wrong. Flattern' a pancake she was. Lost every breath of air in 'er. I'm not even sure why. I was just driving along, didn't hit anything, nothing sharp got to her, couldn't have been a snake bite.

But sure as the sibilance leaking from my trunk, that tire was flatter than Sir Stanley. Went from 50 to 0 in no time flat!

Right there hanging out in the trunk of my car. Sprung an illogical leak right there. A BIG one. Oh well, better the car tail than the bike trail!

E-Art

My little girl grows up.

Park is following in Barley's pawprints. She's not quite ready to create websites with her ass, but looka what she can print! I'm not even sure where it came from, but it sure is pretty.

I think I'll hang it on the fridge... her first piece of art.

Leftist

Who'da thunk it? Hagerstown. Downtown. Bike friendly. Beats Pa Ave.

Check it...lanes right there on the LEFT. No dooring in this part of town.

You Like This.

The Forbidden Places

I am spending the start of Memorial Day weekend with these guys. Hanging at the pump. Release the Hounds!

Power outage. Cripples America. On one of the biggest travel days of the year. Nice. Bike Baby Bike.

Damn The List. The List is why I am here. I cannot go to JC Pennys, Ballys, The Home Depot, Shell, and the jury is still out on BP, but I've been avoiding it. Oh, and there's one lone person also on The List.

I know, Exxon? It is on my ex's List. I don't seek it out, but it's not on The List. That was before I was political. Back when she was a Democrat. Boy, how things have changed.

Take Pennys, The Forbidden Place. I cut my card in pieces when they pulled advertising from Ellen's coming out episode. Oooh, as if I even shopped there anyway. I'm sure that showed them!

It was much funnier when Ellen 'outted' them in one episode referring to them as The Forbidden Place, baby! Funnier still, as someone recently pointed out, that Ellen is HUGE now. THAT showed them!

Change Happens

I cruised up Pennsylvania today Inaugural style. Back and forth, U-turned and circled, snapping pictures.

It was cool. In the shadow of the Capitol where change happens, groundbreaking bike lanes. Right through the heart of the nation. I mean, COOL.

These are the things I salivate over in other states. I take pictures. I yearn for a friendlier cycling community. And now it's here! In Chocolate City.

And it's perfect. Touristic. Sending a message to the world, in the footprint of the Capitol. Perfect. I dream of a Denverian 16th Street right here on Pa Ave! Transit and peds NO CARS.

By my second pass I change my mind. It's really not that great. It doesn't really go anywhere and you get stuck in the middle. Ain't that the story of my life. And god knows I hate being stuck in the middle.

Here's what I saw. It encouraged pedestrians to Jay walk EVERYWHERE. They just hangin' out in the middle walking all up in my path. Taxis, same thing. U turning through the uncrowded center totally up in my path. It's slightly confusing. Traffic jams and left turns...not good.

The secret is 7th. Touch of Chinese Heaven. After I maneuvered the intersection of 7th and H like a drunken polo match I escaped into a delightful portal. It spit me out south of the intersection CAR FREE!

Yep, as the pedestrians run circles around the cars up there I have time to make my escape. All the way down 7th just me and my bicycle. No noise. No car exhaust. No horns. No near misses.

Give them back Pennsylvania. Can I keep 7th?

For Eve.r

Ever heard the flight of a bird tucked away in a quiet cove of a noisy city?

Ever felt the wind tickle your ears like the waves of the ocean drowning out the cacophony of chaotic downtown traffic?

Ever sat on the outskirts of an evening and watched a day wind down with your eyes wide shut?

Ever savored the end of a broadcast day under the explosion of nature's hi-def pixels of the southwestern sky?

Ever let the aromas of distant countries converge in one diverse neighborhood on one encompassing ride?

Have you Ever felt the sun set?

They're Lost is Their Loss

Slackers (n.) individuals who take the time to match their socks to their slacks. Hell, I don't even have time to match them to each other! Busy, busy, busy.

When they are loud and obnoxious like bike socks I don't see the point really. Since I never put clothes away (who has time for that?!) I can never find a matching pair anyway.

I betcha those Slackers even complain about not having any time. Meanwhile I'm off shoving a 10 mile bike ride into a 45 minute lunch break all the while trying to avoid becoming some taxi's latest hood ornament, which could make me late for work.

Yesterday I started as a Slacker. It's true. Real nice: pants, jacket, real shoes. Two jobs later I went to lunch and came back mismatched (again). Who has time to dress back up for two hours?

By 22:30 it was a skull cap, nice shirt and jacket, matching pedal pushers, loud socks, and Teva water shoes. Me. It was me, take it or leave me.

Cinderella was no fairy tale. By midnight, I had, indeed, turned into a punk.

Bucket List

I found a cat in my backyard this morning. It's not unusual, hood's filled wit 'em. But earlier it sounded like it was raining at least cats if not cats AND dogs.

We noticed each other from afar. I was intrigued, it was unphased. I mean I lost Parker just last week after all. I was going through cats quicker than I could shower.

Relax, I found her, eventually. And don't act like it's never happened to you! Every cat, every closet. I chased to and fro playing Marco Polo with my cat.

MEOW?

POLO!

No, I didn't check the roof. Or the front door initially. She was trapped betwixt the front door and the screen. REALLY Mewdini?

Really, Silly Sally!

At it again. The cat in the back yard....uhuh yeah, it's like THAT!

P A R K E R!

GET IN THIS HOUSE!

Daily Grind

It's bad when morning coffee is the highlight of your day and you don't want to get up for it. But I guess that's the point of morning coffee...to jump start the day.

Today I have to be at both jobs in one hour. As in, 60 minutes from now I need to be in DC and VA at the same time. Last night during 60 Minutes I wanted to be nowhere near either one.

Yes, indeedy this is about the daily grind...and you know the pun was intended!

It started last night. Clearly it could have been avoided, wasn't necessary, in hindsight not at all worth it...but I take fool responsibility. To spare you the boring details, I lost a spot.

Forgive me Mr. Lopshire: This is truly not new. Still frames, black, color bars too. Oh, they might put me in the zoo as all viewers see what I cannot do.

Prime time. I lost it during Prime Time. Lost is such strong verbiage. I merely misplaced it. Perhaps present it to the client that way...misplaced. Yes, I found it; No, no one else saw it. Fair enough.

In fact, for 30 painfully silent BLACK seconds, my heart raced, I panicked, I sat, I relaxed, I waited, I pretended the ear piercing alarm was the latest background of the newest, hottest rap tune.

I mean it's TV people! Not brain surgery. Yes, I failed at my job, but we all have our days. It's not like I'm an overworked, underslept doctor who neglected to mention a pesky side effect that may or may not cause a minor discomfort like, oh, I don't know...DEATH!

I just monitor and maintain waves and pixels and dbs and such. Truly, I just fill otherwise meaningful thoughtful seconds with mindless, thoughtless drivel. Your welcome.