Friday, April 30, 2010


I'm in love with a girl named Virginia. I know what I've said in the past, but this time it's different.

It was a perfectly lovely day. And I spent most of it working. Tell us something we don't know Squeak! ...and that's okay.

I felt the rush. It started around 3:30 and I'm still feeling it. It's so close, but not affecting my day. Ordinarily it would be stressing me out.

Currently I've got a leg up and I'm due another beer. My date is sitting in traffic. I'm watching recumbants from above and thinking of going over to pat Java on the head. Ah, this is why Life Is Good. Jammin' Java (another breed) is right around the corner.

Yes, I'm catching a show sans traffic. But I'm not here to gloat. It's about the beer. Biking while intoxicated. Really, biking before intoxicated.

I got pulled over by a cop once for drinking and driving. It's true I was driving erratically. I do that when I stress about parallel parking in the city. Have you been drinking? No, not yet!

Today I walked into a liquor store laughing out loud, LOL as the young people say. I was holding my keys about to put them away, with my thumb on the clicker. I was thinking, hmmm, did I lock the door? No, not yet!

When I walked into the 7/11 a youngster informed me that he had slushee....I was almost peer pressured. But I went with the beer...and yes I got carded.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


"You're gonna need to give a presentation to some 5th graders in about an hour. Oh, it will be fine, you'll be done in plenty of time for your other job. I'll give you a map. It's right down the street...."

I'm sorry, WHAAATT?? Go back....hour, presentation, 5th graders...whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

Map? Close? FOCUS! You put the lead out there and then buried it with 'who cares!' Speak to a group of kids, no preparation, no visual aids, almost no bike!??

"You'll be fine. You have a t-shirt, brochures, take the DVD..." Oh sure, 10 year olds LOVE brochures! And what, I wave the red shirt and they charge at me? Yikes.

So I go. Make brief intros with big people. I say, "I couldn't be LESS prepared for this." And I watched my panic wash onto someone else. Cute. I had extra, I thought I'd share.

She says, "What, you've NEVER done this before?" Nope, never.

"Okay, well it's a group of several classes--about 160 kids." I'm sorry, again WHAAATTT?? As in one hundred and sixty?

Let me get this straight, I'm about to give an hour long presentation to 160 eleven year olds with not a lick of preparation? Yeah, I got this. And my boss--a dead man.

I opened with, "So who here drinks beer?" It's true, that was my very first question. God knows I needed one.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Life reCycle

In hindsight, which as they say, is 20/20: maybe a wedding day on Earth Day wasn't such a good idea after all.

What's old is new, borrowed, and blue.

The Black Diamonds found a new home...except that one, I did keep. I wonder did the white diamond?

This would have been our diamond year...great, I never wore that one.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Desk And A Day

Administrative Professionals Day. Wow, that sounds impressive. Is that the new Secretaries Day? Of course it is. Hey, that's me!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I ride a bike to work. I use thrice patched bike tubes cut down as rubber bands. My lights run off rechargeable batteries. I have a purse made of tubes; my jewelry is used bike parts.

I wash my plastic baggies and use them repeatedly. I drink my soda from cans not plastic bottles. I have never in my life bought a trash bag (or band-aids...just a little known fact).

I reuse my dehumidifier water for my plants. My bike was bought used. I don't use AC and I use very little heat. I don't shower (at least not when I'm not dating). I drink water from the faucet.

I will use a 9Volt 'til the juice is drained. I have pulled batteries out of the really dead batteries bin at work shaking my head and tsk tsking.

I hate the new light bulbs. I won't use them. I like to dim the lights. I throw batteries in the trash can. I use tape like JD uses batteries.

I know it's the week of Earth Day, save the planet, love the earth, recycle, reuse, reduce...but I'm really just cheap. Frugal, thrifty, old school. I was pampered in cloth. I regret to inform you I'm not really green, I just like to keep it.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Spell Define

Can you use it in a sentence? Man, I need to get me one of those Urban Dictionaries. I ain't in the sticks anymore.

Out there when someone says, throw the horse over the fence some hay, I know what they mean. We use words like blooing and read (pronounced red and used to describe cleaning a room). We use a sweeper to clean the carpet and you plug it into the wall. That way you never have to know how to spell vaccuuum.

Here in the big city, I'm lost. First there's the word cancel, which I hate. I hate it the most in airports. It's never good when you are in an airport, but even for the viewing public at home it sucks. Typically you see the word cancelled on the tv screen underneath the word canceled chyroned or full screened by said station.

It irks me. It irks me even more when you call a company to cancelllll your membership and they go ahead and cashhhh your check. All of this because I tried to right a wrong THEY committed, automatically charging someone's account besides my own. I should have let well enough alone.

But I tried to fix it. Then there was the fuzzy math. Last year I paid less than $130, this year they wanted to charge me $170. What's the hizzy I say?? I am quoted membership jargon that states I agree to a 10% increase. Here again I misunderstood either the 10 or the % or the increase.

I gave in. I argued a losing battle and I was clearly ill equipped. I am not versed in the colloquialisms they spouted. I paid the money. They ccaanncceelleedd my membership. I canceeled my check. Or so I thought. Here again, I fell into the Urban Word trap.

When I said stop payment I thought they would NOT cash the check. I thought that's what they told me. That's how I understood the process to work. Otherwise, I'm not really sure of the point. Was it the stop or the payment I screwed up?

In this case, two negatives have DEFINITEly positively made a mistake.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Better Than Geico

I just saved you a ton of money on your car insurance!

I don't do it often, but I think the rules are the same. You pick a lane and you stay in it unless you signal to get out and here's the important part you missed: look before you execute. I saw you look after, it's not nearly as effective that way.

I looked. Even in that split second you gave me, I looked. I mean really, it was so quick you fooled my fight or flight. I save you a ton of cash AND you rob me of my adrenalin rush?!

I thought about the repair bills, the pain in my back that won't go away, the increase on your insurance, the time without your car, making you late for wherever you were rushing to. Did you consider any of this? I mean after you tried to run me off the road. (my Magic Spoon was in my bike bag...I was obviously driving).

I thought it was only fair that you stop to give me a check. Sure, paper or plastic; whatever you got. A hundred would have been nice, but $500 would have been a sleek bargain. If you had thought about it. But if you had thought about it, you might have stayed in your lane.

Whatever....I spent the day putting bikes Christmas Eve. Rose colored pedals.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


This one still eats anything, anywhere, from anyone. I thought she was saying meow. Turns out she's saying NOW, I need food NOW!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Barley and the Magic Spoon

Hey Brownie, you really are doing a heckuva job!

I know it's hard to believe, but Barley-the-Cat, although once able to build URLs (not to be confused with FORLS) with her ass, is now afraid of her own food bowl.

She approaches like its food and she's as starving as she is. She struggles, she gags, she falls into full retreat mode. She looks at me. The food bowl. Me. Bowl. How could I let her near it?

Then she growls. At- the bowl! She circles, as if thinking about a stealth attack, then remembers she's Barley...and what was I circling again?

Food! Yum. Ow! This time she takes a bite and flies across the room like she's got the devil in her belly. And it is attacking from the inside looking to get out. I'm not sure what happens, it occurs under the couch...but it sounds awful. Like aliens are preparing to take her to their leader.

Sherlina Holmes, detective that she is, was on a mission to discover a feeding option. She came up with a few. I accidentally found The Magic Spoon. You can eat once, you can eat the Magic Spoon....

Keeping evil at bay, The Magic Spoon makes magic happen. From a simple spoon placed in the bowl. Barley is no longer afraid of what doesn't lie within. She still doesn't eat much, but something. It's something. It is.

I've slipped a magic spoon in my bag...I may be turned away from the Smithsonian, but I'll take every bit of luck I can against 5 ton military's all I got. It is.

RIP ch.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ad Na Rim

I take that back. It WAS Miranda. Told you, you can't trust 'em. It's you against them.

Psst...when I'm here I get to push the buttons.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Was It Something I Said

Blog reader, meet Miranda. Miranda, meet my one lone blog reader. (I used to have more until I started writing about things like work.) This by the way, is actually Crispin.

Miranda and I have had a rocky relationship. Crispin...don't even get me started. If I've said it once I've said it a million times, threesomes never work out.

But here I am again. Forcibly reunited with a couple I can't stand. We went our different ways in the not so distant past. It wasn't my choice but I didn't shed many tears over it. And I didn't come back with open arms. I'm not holding a grudge, but I'm not convinced they share the same sentiment.

Exhibit A: Sunday night. After a perfectly lovely afternoon of hanging out together, when I asked Miranda to do one small thing, she refused. And she made me think it was something I did. I would have believed her too except she did it AGAIN...and I was no where near her. That's twice in 3 minutes.

It was FIVE hours, I get that. Nothing to do for FIVE hours. I was there, I know. I went for walks. Left her sit. Ignored her at times. I learned my lesson. If I do the Masters next year I promised to take her for walks. I said so right there in my discrepancy report.

Or was it Crispin? Did Miranda just do what Crispin asked? There was that Facebook status about her bugs. See, threesomes...maybe I haven't learned my lesson. And it's clearly them vs. me.

You know they tried to pin it on me, The Man. But Miranda stuck up for me. It must have been Crispin. I bet she's jealous that I'm back. I bet she wishes it was just the two of them again.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

You Might Be

Well you know the rest. If your tree is adorned with duct tape, you just might be.

Tell me, does my red neck clash with my blue collar?? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Is There Anybunny In There?

Oh goodie! An Easter hunt. Can you find the cars in the garage? Yeah, I wish they all rode in today, but alas no. Just a typical day.

In better news, apparently my tube has been resurrected. It was flat, I took it out, retrieved the spare. I pumped up that one, flat. I patched the hole, flat. I patched the second hole, returned to the original. Still not flat. I couldn't find the hole, so I replaced it and said a prayer.

Easter sweets.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Point and Shoot

Shoot! I got the point. Over and over and over. U Street. Chinatown. 14th. 7th. Mass Ave. You name it, they've gentrified it.

This by the way, an accident. I like to point and shoot. Sometimes while riding. Drive by shooting. This was on foot, but not staged, not focused, not planned. Just, shoot.



Friday, April 2, 2010

I Get Around

Hey Kenny! Look someone left us a bicycle!

I do okay by myself. I can be entertained for hours. I talk to myself. I make myself laugh. I animate inanimate works of art. I play as hard as I work. I live a balanced life...or I'd fall down.

But it would be nice to tool around the city with someone once in a while. Someone with feet instead of pedals. Well, feet on top of pedals.

I could stop taking pictures and let someone's eyes focus on what they want, when they want. Find new perspective.

And visit ALL of DC, the true landmarks. Not just the outsiders' favorite NW passage. It's not even the coolest part of the city folks.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Look What I Found!


Did John Ashcroft ever exit the Capitol on the east side?

I'd hate to see what he'd do to these statues after draping the ones inside.

At least the man bits are probably covered by water, when there IS water.