Tuesday, December 2, 2014

2 Girls 2 Blogs

So you know I have this blog...

I know you know because you are reading it now. I had, in my heyday, a whopping 2.5 readers. That may have very well slipped to zero due to my infrequent posting capacity.

But did you know I have two...

Well I do. And I suspect you don't know because if you could see the itsy bitsy print above you'd see every single post has 0 page views. This is deliberate. And it's disappointing. I still post infrequently, but every time I sign in to add another I know my page views will never change. As I write I know I will be the only one to ever read the post. But that's okay.

There's no intimidation whilst writing however. And no limitations on what is said or what is shared. Pictures have faces in the other blog...besides Parker. The girl, however, is often still the girl.

But here's the funny thing. The girl warns me it must remain private. If we start this blog of ours (not mine) it cannot be public. But... IT WILL NOT BE PUBLIC she says. Inmates and such. I get it. I don't like it but I definitely do get it.

That wasn't the funny part. This is. So I sign on the other blog today and she scootches up next to me excited to see and says, did anyone read it? Anyone? Like whom? She doesn't even read it! I'm not sure she knows how to find it.

The point of the blog, not that you'll ever read it, is to track where we've been. It even comes with this cool funky map! Which I'm sure she also can't find.

So now we are documenting our vacations and maybe soon our excursions here at home. It's a lot to catch up on. And a lot to remember. But the good part is now I can forget. Now it's all right here to remind us when we are old. Just as long as we remember how to sign on and where to find it. I should probably make the girl a cheat sheet. I might even put it in italics for old time sake.

And girl, in case you were wondering we are still holding steady at zero.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

If The Shoe Fits

Recently I rediscovered stick-ups. Thank god. You remember these things right? The little round things that you twist? Made infamous in the pantyliner commercial starring the cat with the crazy feet? You may have missed that one, it was by invitation only.

Anyway, back to my stinky closet. Not too long ago dad and I made this amazingly cool closet that I thought I might get to use. It had shelves on the outside of the closet where I thought I might stash my stinky shoes.

I was wrong of course. The closet was created because I got married. Even though that's one of the perks of a same sex relationship...doubling your wardrobe...it's still nice to have your own space. Hence, the new closet. But you did understand I have a wife now? Yeah, so she got the closet. I got the boot, so to speak.

So back in my cramped closet, I have my jeans on a book shelf, my oxfords on a hanger, and my shoes shoved in a milk crate. I'm almost positive there's a warning on the side threatening prosecution if it isn't used properly, which clearly, it is not.

Just so we are on the same page, this is her closet. See, isn't it cool? But this post is really about stinky shoes. Scratch and sniff above.

Let's skip to the chase. So this is her closet and when I go in there it smells like her. When I go in my own closet it smells like warehouse feet. Maybe I smell like warehouse feet, I don't know.

So I've tried Lysol and dryer sheets and now I have a 44 cent stick up that smells like a Hallmark store.It's only slightly better.

But let's be honest, my wife loves me. And she wants me to be happy. I'm sure she doesn't want my nice clean clothes to smell like warehouse feet. Or me for that matter.

 So she decided to share the shoe rack. And not to call the girl out on anything but you see how she has cleared off the entire top shelf of the rack above right? It's the shot in the upper left corner. The other six shots show various areas of the downstairs floor space that has ironically, all of a sudden, been taken over by randomly placed shoes! Go figure.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Stoptionals Are Like Snipe Hunting

This is for the little white car in the park. And just to be clear, I have nothing against little white cars. This may prove to be remedial for most of you, but it's been brought to my attention abruptly, some of you, perhaps driving little white cars in the park...need a remedial reminder...

I can see now that they are side by side, why some of you MAY be experiencing some issues differentiating between some of our critical red road signs.

And I'm not gonna lie, some of our signs are confusing. I'm not sure what an acorn and a penguin have to do with one another...for that matter I'm not sure why our pedestrian crossings contain a penguin at all. A penguin in a suit no less! But believe me I've got my eyes peeled for one every time I'm downtown Silver Spring.

But this is really about the little white car that damn near took the paint off my bike in Sligo Creek. Now I knew you weren't really going to stop, so it wasn't that close, but you do know what the red octagon means right?

I'm not sure what it is about spring, but it makes people drive poorly. I mean I'm not sure if there has ever been a scientific study...could there be a compound, element, or freaking amino acid like tryptophan that causes drivers to lapse into semi-consciousness while driving or even have selective amnesia?

I mean I tried really hard to give you the benefit of the doubt. I looked on every corner. I saw the same sign-everywhere. I tried looking at different angles. It always looked the same.

I investigated the yield sign. It is indeed the same color. It's even red outlined in white. Okay. Let's assume you are color blind. Let's also assume you can't read. STOP may mean nothing to you. Of course, let's be honest, if that's the case, this blog posting is falling on deaf ears...or rather illiterate eyes.

But is there such a thing as apparentylexia? I'm gonna tell you right now my spell check has got that made up word on high alert with its squiggly red notification. My inclination is NO that's absolutely not a word and absolutely not a condition. Therefore, the octagonal shape of the STOP sign and the triangular shape of the YIELD sign should mean something to everyone.

Whether it's the white triangle in the middle of the sign (assuming you don't speak English) or the letters on the actual sign...I'm not sure if you've ever taken the time to notice but allow me to point out S T O P Y I E L D does not repeat one single letter. So there's that. And then there's the shape. Eight sides to three. Surely you can count to three? If you are truly geometrically challenged, and I get it, some people are...an octagon is really more like a circle and a triangle more like a...well, a triangle. Get it?

Sometimes STOP signs even come with these pre-STOP signs as a kind of warning. This one comes in yellow and is a diamond, which is really just a square on its side. It's not really geometry, I think if you stretch your brain you can get this one. Turkey be damned.

This sign is alerting you to the fact that you are going to need to STOP soon. Stopping, in case that is the problem, is when you depress the pedal on the left, all the way to the floor if you have to.

Once when I was a kid I heard a rumor if the sign had a white border around it it was really a STOPTIONAL and you didn't need to stop if it were clear. Even at 15 I knew that wasn't true. Those are called YIELD signs and they look completely different, as we just remediated in this blog. Bottom line, if there's a question, please STOP. Thank you for your time.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

See What Had Happened Was...

Let me paint you a picture of our last time on the Rachel Carson trail. First of all, this is an amazing trail system within walking distance of the house. I would LOVE to ride my bike here, but the sign says I can't. To hell with the sign I say!

Because I also can't walk my dog here, not anymore. I'm done. Y'all win. It's legal alright, but it's a hot spot for unleashed dogs. Despite what the sign says.

So you have my leashed dog, who is also friendly, but sounds mighty scary. In a fight she's gonna get her ass kicked; are you ready to find out if that's true? She will probably intimidate your unleashed dog putting it on notice. Let me remind you mine is leashed, yours is not. She already feels the disadvantage, and she no likey.

And so what's gonna happen is she's gonna be unhappy with the situation. Truth be told, me too. And you're gonna say, "it's okay he's friendly". I'm gonna pull back on my dog and try to keep her calm and yours is gonna go all inmate on her personal space...yeah, you know. Nose to ass, all up in her stuff. She's restrained and you are off forest frolicking while your 'friendly' dog runs up on her. She ain't cool like that.

In fact, that's exactly what happened. First time. You lollygag on, pleading your dog is friendly and I'm like, "well mine is NOT". Then you apologize saying, "he's not wanting to listen today." How lucky for us. And you knew this ahead of time? When you decided to leave him unleashed?

Meanwhile, moving on. We successfully escape and mine pulls part way out her harness. I'm forced to end my call early to deal with the situation you just caused. I bend down, on ice, to attempt to fix the situation. Arms around my pit, face in her face, I hear from behind, "I'm sorry." Without looking I say, "no problem." I think you realize you just ended my call early and put a crinkle in my walk.

Without looking I say this. Without knowing what was about to happen. Without fully understanding what she was apologizing for. Guess who's back? To taunt my barely leashed dog. I'm sorry, didn't you just say he wasn't listening? Didn't you apologize for what you just caused by not having your dog on leash? And didn't I mention my dog is not friendly?

Harness half off. Collar grasped. Then gone. Headlock. Me. Dog. Dog. Growling. I damn near got bit, by my own dog. And you are still behind me, voice starting to sound concerned, doing like, nothing?

Before it was said and done we saw six dogs today. One off leash, documented above. The next one, off leash. "It okay?" No!, not so much. The next two, rambunctious, off leash...owners, unconcerned...me, stressed, pissed, and about sick of it. The next two, on leash, for what it's worth. The leashes don't do much good when you let go, just saying.

That last one was HUGE! Owner calling from across the street "he's friendly!" Okay!, but my dog has had just about enough today, not to mention me. This thing looks like her best friend and I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear how they greet each other. And I'm about sick of trying to control the situation when I came prepared with a freaking leash. This about to be on you!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


Way too many posts about the pup on facebook and especially my bike blog. How's about we combine the two?!

YeeHa! Not only did we find an activity to enjoy together but we found a decent place to do it. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for trail jouring. But the C&O will do just fine.

Our second attempt went quite a bit better than the first but it's still cumbersome and stressful. SQUIRREL.

The first time out we came up on a biker who was about to get an earful if he didn't just RIDE ON. We had me, the dog, another dog, the long leash, a 29er. It's a lot to handle. Then the biker passing on the left. The one who just slowed and kept saying "On your RIGHT." Can you just RIDE?!? Seriously dude. I'm facing you, I can see you. The dog sees you. The couple off trail sees you. We ALL effing see you!

PS...you are on everyone's LEFT.

Perhaps he was nervous. I'm sure it looks scary. Me, holding the dog, it jumping and excited. But did you also notice us stopped, off trail, anxiously waiting for you to PASS? The longer you draw this out the worse it's gonna get. So put your footsies to the pedals and get on them!

Again, for the record you are on our left, your right. Pedal on.