Tuesday, July 27, 2010
What is this the Dark Ages? Why yes, yes it certainly is. And you'd be better off on foot, on bike, on horseback if you're trying to go anywhere.
I Got Da Powah late last night. Yippee. All is not lost. Very little was lost to be exact. Because I'm cheap, and take chances.
Let's talk ice cream. True enough, I tossed the milk; I typically have to on any given week. I didn't even try to pour off the smelly top trick. However, I savor the luxury of ice cream and I don't let go easily.
I'm not sure what they are making ice cream from these days, but it doesn't so much melt as deflate. I'm sure it's some form of cancerous plastic bi-product, but it's delicious.
The ice creamstic wasn't a milky mess in my freezer, more of a congealed cool whip variety neartastrophe. I can work with that. Just add Kahlua and Creme. Viola! A tasty beverage for human consumption.
Good Morning Electric! Yes, please, I would like a cup of freshly brewed coffee! Cream? We have cream? Oh yeah, we have CREME. Yeah, I can drink, I don't drive!
Monday, July 26, 2010
At least now I have money to buy more, what with the money I'm saving on electric and all!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Let's park here she says. Let's do something hard she says. Let's do Black she says. OMG.UHG. Pant, pant, pant.
Get out of my ear!
Look at the people with puppies. See Spot. See Spot on a leash. See Spot propel hisself forward without the aid of hoomans. Bike see Spot. See, Bike, take note.
Hi, I will give you $10 if you take my $1500 bicycle. No? Really, NO? I know an organization that CHARGES you $10 to TAKE your bike. I'm offering you an Alexander AND a bicycle. No? Please?
Get OUT of my ear!
Where's the road she says. I'm not going up any more she says. Are we there yet she says. I lost the ability to speak four trees ago.
EAR! I'm Gnot kidding.
Hey, here's a thought. Let's double back on the Black/Yellow trail. It's unanimous, home on the Black/Yellow! Follow the black trail with the double yellow blaze right through the center. TFG.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Turns out I have beautiful ears...on the inside. Pretty on the inside, figures. And they hear good too. Itchy? Did you say itchy? No, just painful. In your office? Sure, I can meet you in your office.
I gather my bag, my glasses, my h.e.l.m.e.t. Why are you looking at me like that?!? She glares at me and says, oh, now you're going to put that on...inflection, raised earbrow. This melon protector? Two weeks after I tried to put my head through the bike trail? HELL YEAH, I'm going to put THIS on Doc.
She is grasping at straws. She thinks my helmet is hurting my ears. I prove that it is not. Wind. Could it be wind? Sure, I suppose it could, but don't tell me you're one of those doctors blaming my latest pain on the bike. Why is it always about the bike?
"I'm so glad we had this time together
Just to have a laugh or sing a song
Seems we just get started and before you know it
Comes the time we have to say, 'so long'."
STOP tugging on it! Bottom line....Rider's Ear. Rider's ear? Really? You totally just made that up!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap brick walls in a single speed...They are indeed a different breed of rider....
Oh, I got my chain handed to me today. It's okay, it was D. And I'm not competitive. Or a SuperRider
I KNOW! Why would she want to ride with me??!!? She's just that kind of girl. And as I was lapped over and over again I never once thought, hey I SUCK. I mean she rode across the country! I just ride to work.
She stayed with me. And I thought I was doing okay. I mean I'd look up, watch her climb, look down (FOR ONE SECOND), and the next thing I knew, I was hitting a brick wall! Who put that there!? In the middle of the road! It wasn't there two seconds ago.
No, I'm good. I was hanging back here to practice my track stand. I think next I'll check in on Granny. You go on and take that business call while I drop back and lick the salt off my own face. I'm sure this cramp will pass. Maybe on the next hill.
Yeah, no. Apparently I don't have another hill in me. Could you point me in the direction of the nearest lemonade stand? Thanks.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Oh hell, if I lost a cat in that joint it'd be dead before I found it. Guess I'll keep my spare 17mil and stay put. For the sake of the cats, that is.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Maybe I'm the Shayne of the bike world? I haven't met a frame I don't love to ride!
Oh, this one rocks. When I hop on, the Wizard of Oz ditty plays in my head. But it's deceiving. It feels like my '65 Duck but it mooooves.
Hiding beneath it's cloak it an actual road bike. I think Duck, but it moves, it manuevers, it's tough. I mean I feel like a mennonite on a bike, but I sure as shit ain't.
Today I was surprised the roadie behind me never caught up and I wheel sucked the one in front before I just had to pass. I felt bad about it, but I had no choice.
I feel like I should apologize. I sure wouldn't want to sit on my $800 road bike and have this free old lady bike with ONE gear passing me! Ding, dong, the bitch is on your LEFT.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
102. One Hundred and two. CII. However you write it, it's HOT.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
In a style of humor I still don't understand, my father used to stand between me and the television completely blocking my view. I would say, "Mr Dada: Can't see good," or so I've been told.
But this entry is about glasses. Sun glasses. And how mine came to be lost. Not so much lost as left. I know exactly where they are. I believe it was Highway 160.
It went like this: I got a text. It said, You look cute in sunglasses, however, I can't see your pretty eyes. I then proceeded to stick my head out the window and phwawmpt they were gone.
I watched them tumble right off my head, onto the road, like desert tumbleweed bouncing through the wind. I pulled myself back into the house, sat down, and sent a reply. Okay fine, glasses....gone.
And then I made myself a plate of buttered noodles.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
For several yards. I never noticed. And I think I steered the bike straight! But straight is all relative and up for personal interpretation when it comes to me anyway, as you well know.
Bad journalist. Look at me burying the lead--and you can good and see it's definitely bleeding. On with it! Today on my way to work, I put the bike DOWN. Hard. Boom!
And to think I've been entertaining the thought of mounting sans helmet. All the kids are doing it! I put the hat on, put the hat off, I put the hat on, and I bounced it off the ground, that's what it's all about! Thank sweet Biking Jesus.
Here's the sequence of events as I can best remember them: I drifted off trail, in slow motion. I counter corrected in real time. I spilt in double time, one eye filled with approaching asphalt. Just as my head was about to meet the pavement, time stopped....
Like Wyvie Coyote I froze a centimeter above the road, turned, looked back at the camera, and back at the ground. I saw my melon meet the asphalt splat! I collided with a concussion head on tee hee. meep meep.
I collected my brains and other personal items and retreated to the side of the trail. I tried to form sentences and solve complex physics equations. The force was so jarring it actually fixed my broken cell phone (that is no lie).
I should have maybe gone to the hospital. I was nauseous, the headache is starting, the whiplash waiting its turn. But there was no blood running from my ear and I was thirsty. Perhaps pour me a pint from the pub, at least there I can get a burger.
Just maybe call me later. To see how I am. Please. Thanks.