Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Poker In The Thumb

I'll see your flat and raise you a totally tubular purse. Did you hear that White Rim of Evil?? I took your flat lemons and made purseade. Put your lips together and pucker up!

Yes indeed, functionality was not high on the priority list this go round. It rarely is in the name of high fashion, art, or glitz. Slap a Prada label on that baby and let's send 'er to press. Looks like leather, smells like rubber, but matches your little, sexy, black dress.

While we've broached the topic, I wouldn't really employ the purse's services on anything beyond your basic black ensemble. There is as much emphasis on both 'basic' and 'black' intentionally. Shoulder, hand, and crazy random phalangelical contact could induce unwanted grease transfer as of this writing. I'd sew in a warning label, but I'm not sure my weakened thumb pads could handle it.

Also, I shouldn't encourage driving while using this handbag. It has not been known to cause any vehicular mishandling or malmaneuverability; however, for optimal usage, both hands should remain on the purse at all times.

Manipulation of the zipper must occur well before action is physically expected. Hencely, should you intend on paying upon arrival at your destination venue either give yourself plenty of time to execute said zipper or better yet, keep your money in your pocket instead. As with any glitzy, fashionable, expose of art, the purse is really just an accessory to be savored not used.

Some practical trials are being introduced and the product may at some time become much more user friendly. You know, once we copy it, throw it into mass production, and strip the expensive label from it.

The ad campaign starts NOW! Current marketing strategies include, but are not limited to:

You're American not Dutch...make him pay!
Guaranteed theft proof.
More secure than a ULock
What's in YOUR wallet? I have no freakin' idea; I haven't seen it in over two months!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All Good, Thanks

I think I've found my next career.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Odds Twist of Fate

Coin toss flip it up
Heads or tail
Which side am I?
I'll never tell

Coin toss in the air
Spinning around
If you catch me
Put me down

I'm a little bitty thang
With a whole lotta twang.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Saint Catherine d'Arlington?

There you go. My Patron Saint: Catherine of Alexandria. Odd, I am only going so far as Rosslyn.

Well, it is swell to know that if I am condemned to die on the wheel at least I have the touch to miraculously destroy it first. YES, another one bites the dust. Make that Queen Catherine of Arlington.

Faulty valve. Been there, caused that. At least I was home sleeping this time air was seeping. Replaced, retraced...flat again. *sigh* I am losing track of good tubes and bad. Alas, I am running low on patches.

My Dear Sweet Saint Cat, 9 lives for moi tube du jour? Sil vous plait! New tires in the mail even as the old tubes fail. Are you giving me a sign?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Flat Broke

Well, at least air is still free. I definitlely have NO desire to switch to cartridges.
Which Saint do I need to pray to please?

Friday, January 15, 2010

I Smell a Pot Hole

Unable to conclusively identify the voracious culprit yesterday, I steered clear of several maligning possibilities this AM. It was only then that I allowed my mind to wander.

POT HOLE. Interesting term. Why for the pot? This beast that's been gnawing through my tires could hold pots, pans, pitchers, plates...everything kitchen but the sink. DUH! That'd be a sink hole!

Which come to think of it, this hole is well on its way to bec....*clump*bump*...WHAT THE!?

Apparently my coordinates were off. I'm off Golden Pond but THIS was definitely my WALTER. And he got me again! Upon further investigation, here, under the Wash & Shine sign was most definitely Purgatory Cove.

And if you are looking...it is visually unconfirmed, but it would not take McGruff the Crime Dog to sniff out the pot hole is in reality just up the street a quarter mile on the right, right beneath the Steak and Eggs sign.

Grease and Love!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Tire Irony

Yeah, gimme that! That's what I'm talking bout. POT HOLE HERE!

It wasn't your beatnik peace and love bug; this was your Silence of the Lambs, come meet Precious, variety van that rolled up on me like a teen aged girl in a horror flick.

Dirty, grey, the brooding sound FX a nice eerie touch. Or was that just the muffler jing-jangling cross the tarway? No matter, this evildoer definitely missed the Cash for Clunkers cut off. And here I was cruising the Beverly Hills of MogoCo with but a balaclava betwixt my prickly nape and el Reaper de Torment.

But just before Rodeo Drive (aka Popo Alley aka Chevy Chase) the grey, grim reaper finally passed me by. Maybe he had visions of ill will dancing in his head. Maybe the old girl topped out at 25. I put my imagination back in my hip pocket, left the aging Shaggy to wander, and ignored my knight in black Kevlar armor idling by Tiffany's.

Not two blocks later I saw Shabby Shaggy lurking in the shadows of a side street like a vulture on his prey. Pray, Prey, pray! Quick! In here! I duck into a dark, cavernous pot hole. No one will ever find me in here.

As I crawled back out there was no sign of Van Man in sight. To be doubly sure I shook him, I commandeered a corner and changed the tire I just annihilated on the infamous White Rim.

Yes, the very same from a few entries back. Indeed I understand how it looks, but the shop assured me pot holes eat back tires not front. Surely you see my conundrum....if the front wheel is swallowed in a chasmous salt flat leaving the back wheel teetering above how Prey, do tell, is it the back not the front that is eaten for breakfast?

All this talk about eating is making me hungry, but please, please no more pancakes!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Right Foot Forward

You can take a biker out, but you can't quite dress her up. What? It's my 'bling'! I think it gives the legs a little something extra. You've got your necklaces, your bracelets, rings, earrings...I mean it's your legs that get you where you're going. They deserve to feel pretty too.

It's cold. Damn cold. I don't think I warmed up all day. Shivered, ached, chattered. That right foot was the death of me. Never once did it ever let up. That bone chilling cold that gets right to the toes. Numbs 'em.

I was sitting in the cold movie theater thinking that very thing. Cold, cold, cold. I pulled up my ankle to hold it and pretend it was warm. I felt my bling. Perhaps it was too tight? I wonder if I was actually numbing my own foot?!

I'm still hibernating 'til April. It's actually warm in my house! That's just how cold I really am!!!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Bike Wash

Just, I hate the salt, that's all. But looka that...I LOVE my house! Now that's a utility sink!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Ten Bucks A Pop

Wawawa...where do I start?

I hate salt, have I mentioned that yet this season? I don't know if that has any relevance, I just wanted to put it out there.

5am: do you know where your air is? While you were sleeping, I was seeping.

I fell into a white rimmed chasm, that much is true. Whether or not that had anything to do with the following events is undetermined.

Right there in front of 9 I went flat. Like a pancake. Hey looka me...I can make pancakes! But this is not where I want to show off my talent. After all, 9 is where I found out I had no special skills.

So I pumped. I made it two blocks. I was short on time, I had to make a decision. I went with change it, what choice did I have? I had spare gloves! Ha, shed the lobsters, put on the...what's this....an open compartment...where....I....leave...the....

I had no tire levers. Not a one. I look at the empty pocket, the tire, the empty pocket, the tire, the clothes and food in the bag. I couldn't McgYVer my way out of this one. But what option did I have?

I want to plan yvents I HAVE to find a way. I dig for my pliers. They get under there, but I need something else. Maybe another set? I often have two. I pulled out a multi-tool. Allens, well that's really it, perhaps the missing half is more of the multi...this was just tool.

What's this, a tire lever like device attached. Perfect. Tire starts to wedge off. A district cop passes and turns and turns on his lights. He turns again and pulls up next to my shivering ass buried in snow.

Looks like you are okay? Need to sit in here to warm up your hands for a bit? Really? Nope I might be okay, I query. "I'll wait," he says and shines light on my cause.

He then offers to take the wheel to a gas station for air if my pump isn't working. This dude must have done this before. I told him I didn't think I had my converter since I didn't even have tire levers. He said he lived close and could run home if I needed something. Again, really?

And he waited. I had two police officers on either side blocking Wisconsin for me. I wasn't even on the street. I was amazed and proud. And glad that I hadn't run a single red light the whole way there. And this is why I ride via Bethesda way.

I pumped up, packed up, and pedallyed on. I waved, he tooted his siren, and away we went. I c r u i s e d....trying to make it on time. I walked in the door at 6:00 on the dot.

I tried not to think about the cold or my tire or my half filled tube of air all day. But you always wonder, will it be flat again when I leave? SUCCESS...I pushed the back tire...still aired. GREAT!

I unlocked it, loaded up, turned it, and hopped on my incredibly flat front tired bicylcle. Are you joking? Flat number two, tire levers still zero, and spare tubes, well one, but not the right size.

I looked up at my towering new 'home' and realized I was all alone. My only chance of help had turned up as flat as my tire. I rode to Metro, found my card didn't work, and repumped my tire. It was flat at the end of the street. I walked across my ex-bridge, you know, they Key to my unhappiness, and wandered into the bike shop on the other side.

I asked if someone could please put me back on this bicycle? "It will cost $7 for me to change it." Yes, I will pay anything just make it roll and get me home please. And throw in more air, more tubes, and tire levers if you don't mind.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Bitter Cold

What is this? My dearest Key Bridge, I thought we shared something special. You, me, Mary Todd made three, yes as in Lincoln.

It was just yesterday; I realize it was my first time, but twice in one day! I stopped, admiring your beauty. You blew ever so fiercly in my ear. I noticed with such strength how you stood mightily above the frozen Potomac.

And then today, you unashamedly took another. Took another before me no less! Here I stood at three in the morning only to find some other had already ridden you.

I was salty and wet and shocked...well actually the only suspension is in my heart. You truly are the Key to my unhappiness.

You are like concrete, so cold. Rode hard and put away wet...is that all I was to you? Road, check. Wet, check. Well, that's all you are to me too.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Close Sesame

Works about as well as open sesame in case you were wondering.

There is not nearly enough directions nor pictorals for this tricky little past time....oh yes, it went waaaaaaaaay past time.

First, take all parts off frame that come apart. Leave the welded bits as they will be hard to reattach on the other side.

Then, carefully place all pieces into case being extra careful with the cables. It would be even better if you were traveling with someone so you could play this bike version of Trangoes against a competitor.

Be super careful to include ALL necessary parts. If you can't ride a unicycle here, I'm gonna guess you still won't be able to on vacation. Pack BOTH wheels. Include tools. Hand tightening pedals and allen bolts isn't super effective on turning parts.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT treat this like ordinary luggage. Please refrain from sitting on case and jumping to close and lock. You will definitely want to, but think of the spokes.

You WILL want to open it back up and put something in you forgot. I don't recommend it. Carry it in your luggage. If you feel tempted, zip tie it shut, duct tape it, super glue it if you have to. DO NOT REOPEN THE CASE.

Remember you have to put it together on the other side. IF you manage to do this, STOP riding a day early. You will need the entire last 24 hours to redisassemble the bicycle into the case for its return trip home.

Might I recommend Craigslist? You can peruse your choices before you go and retrieve it upon arrival. You could re list it immediately and try to sell it before you leave to come back home. Or just leave it. It would probably cost less than the luggage airfare and would save you two days!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

As Easy As Reading A Book

Oh yeah! Liberry, my favorite flavor. How could I forget.
I needed a book. Filled with information. Fast. Amazon? Barnes and Noble? OMG...TPL!
Yes folks, for books fast...try your local public library. It's amazing what you might find. FOR FREE.
And you can pick up tax forms...if you still do it that way.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Pedal Your Ice Off


So you got your bike lanes, your multi-use paths, your fire roads, single track, double track, and ice capade.

I like it. Diverse. Innovative. Cost effective.

Break out the studs, I've found a new place to roll.

Baby it's cold outside.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Doing A Heckuva Job Brownie

That pop up says: "Would you like to validate this website?"

I am updating my resume as we speak. Computer skills...heavy. Surely if I can't figure it out Barley's ass can.

I am not lying. I was downstairs working Sudoku. I heard the computer beeping upstairs so I went to investigate. What I found was one brown cat sobre la laptop. On the screen was a string of letters, a screen I had never seen before, and a box confirming the creation of a new website. Oh, and given her age, apparently she had increased the font so it was easier to see.

There are two valuable lessons here. One, I am selling myself short on my skills listed on my resume. If one less than bright cat can create a website in 5 minutes or less...my talents are clearly currently misrepresented. Two, if one less than bright cat can create a website in 5 minutes or less....think of the revenue two cats could bring in while I sit and do Sudoku.

Psst..Parker, pay attention, this is your gravy train!