Thursday, February 25, 2010

But Wait...There's More!

Bring off road ON.

It was a perfectly nice day so I decided to take my bike for a walk. With every inch of my 2.00s, from bead to bead, splayed across 16th Street, I might as well have been trudging through trail snow.

The time clock was nipping at my heels; however, the thought of surrendering to the local bike shop irked me. I stopped and regrouped. It's okay, I was thoroughly searched by a concerned Basset Hound. Greenies to the rescue: they're great in a pinch! write that down.

So I'm back on the bike soaring toward the park and then climbing back out. Must. Find. Lower. Gear. Wha? Presta! Changed her into a single speed. No tools required.

For the sake of time, I'm forced now to an even more hated 'shop' that must remain nameless. The aproned boy, let's call him HUDSON, takes my bike and says, "This is easy!" Presta! Changed her into an autobike. Batteries not included.

Typical Mecan'tic upgrade. Tighten cable, twist, twist. C'mon! BKE101. sigh

Meanwhile, I go back to work and McGyver a videotape back from the dead. Story at 11.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I Just Met Jack

Allow me to set the scene:

Me. Flat. Bike propped on a fence (this is important) looking like a Mexican low rider. Spent tube around my neck. Helmet still on. Back wheel a good two feet from the bike. Another tube stretched across the sidewalk. Bag torn open (road salt fused shut the zipper). Tire levers spread out like pick up sticks. Pump in hand.

Jack approaches. "Is that your bike?"
"Uh, yeah (genius)."
"Are you locking it to my fence?"

Aside: this fool does not OWN the condo building in front of which I stand. I guarantee he's merely a tenant (I've met this unwelcome wagon before elsewhere in the city). They are passionate about fence paint.

Now what I say is, "No". What I think is, "No, Jack Ass if I had a lock right now you'd be wearing it like an ascot!"
"Well don't lock your bike to the fence because you'll scratch it and then I have to take care of it."
Really? You're worried about me scratching my bike, how sweet? You don't have to fix it for me. I'll be careful.

Aside Redeux: What he means is his landlord will cite locked bikes scratching the fence for a reason to raise his condo fees, which will ultimately increase regardless. And not a dime will ever deliver a bike facility to fix the 'problem'. And I bet the fence is painted regularly.

I hold up my pump and shake a tube in his face. Again what I said was, "Can you see I'm trying to fix a flat?!?" What I thought as he sauntered to his car and I collected my tirephernalia was, "Oh thank you kind Sir for that generous offer to help. The bike shop is only about 2-3 miles down the street, I can walk."

No, that's a lie. What I really thought was...Duly noted J. Ass, and will you be sending me a check or paying now in cash for the damage the salt on YOUR street has wreaked upon my bicycle, not to mention the shard of glass I just pulled out of my tube??

Seriously, U-lock...Ascot...And I'm not unlocking it first. Think about it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Falling Into Blue

Be still my lips, a heart on notice
Here staring into blue.
A star is floating like a lotus,
As I was sinking into you.

Big Rock salutes, my dreams descend.
"Goodnight," from yonder loon.
My horizon starts or does it end?
Golden sun yields to pale moon.

As one side ends, the other begins;
Lost in the middle, we meet.
The air, water, no one wins.
Transgressions eclipse your feat.

I melt into the sky, or maybe to the sea.
Cue a misty shade of blue.
Soaring toward a mirage of 'we'
Submerging me, while lost in you.


I am an island
A spot among the sea.
Yore long forgotten shore
Of shifting currents,
And sifting sand.

But an escape,
In the middle of blue
Not fit for a home.
Stay the distance.
Stand alone.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Snover It!

I am sick of sounding like a special effect from a Star Wars galactic space battle. I want my old bike back. Snow and salt be gone.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Unparallel Universe

I'll share you mine if you share me yours.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Boka: Latest Olympic Sport

Overheard on the 'trapes' of one gutter bunny betty's active imagination:

"Oh, the conditions today were sick! The freshies ate my wheel like a snack. Did you see that banana scraper on skid row?"

"Dude, I brought home a Christmas tree! I almost did a gravity check, but slipped a balance blackout instead."

"No jaz! I checked the skid lid and powered through that gnar half-track. The last part was gonzo."

"You bombed man. I bailed. You got crazy mad skillz and screamed through that gnarl."

"I was balls deep in. You catch that powerslide? I made it without crashing but I dabbed deep off-piste."

"I caught your sitzmarks. The boilerplate was hard to stick and the goods gnoshed my knees so I dropped in the coulie."

"Pedalin' Palin! The Cheetah moat? Need a new winky set for that POS?!?"

"Blow off pimp!"

" Eat snow wheel sucker!"

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Hears An eThought

Ugh. I don't even want to open my email anymore. There is nothing there worth viewing, sincerely.

For a brief period in my life I stopped listening to my friends. It was not a good day to ride. And so, battered and beaten, I've retreated back to their sage words once again. And I think, perhaps, there's a spoke loose.

Internet dating? Really? Email, ebay, emag, eharmony, eeeee... So today. Oookay. The arm was twisted, the seed planted, the die cast. At least I can say I did it. Check it from my elist.

Shopping for an emale is no easy task. The questions are tough, the soul searching deep, the editing and choosing a multiple choice jenga match. One person's baggage is another's experience. Half empty or half fool?

Monogamous, not religious, confident, independent, no kids...wait, is this a menu of what I want or a tally of past mistakes. I need a drink. ...doesn't smoke, exercises, drinks slightly less than a fish...

So here I am the newest member of the latest app. Paying a fee for daily rejection. I had plenty of that job searching for FREE. Who's bright idea was this? Yes, one of you is reading this!

I love Pandora and this is not off topic. It gives me what I want, when it doesn't, I tell it. Don't Like, and the selections are refined. It does not greet me in the morning with poor options and disappointments. attention! I'll tell you the partnering genre I'm in the mood for and you jump. You scroll by some pictures and brief descriptions. Give me a like and dislike button and I'll guide you through the process.

In fact, attention! Music is a great judge. Just tack it onto the already existing site and you are already ready already. Join NOW: lose the ads and meet the lads!

See who also likes O.A.R. Mike, Larry, Chris. You and Chris also describe your humor as sarcastic and like staying up late watching movies. To buy Chris an edrink click here between buy song from Amazon or itunes.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Share The Lane

Motorists aren't the best at this, but sure, I'll share my plowed lane with you. I just hope you remember it come April.

Just today construction vehicles were clearing streets for the first time and several days ago cyclists were bitching that their off road trails had not been plowed. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

For the record, an unpaved portion of the CCT was indeed plowed as I pedallyed to work today. The street upon which my building is perched, however, was not.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Gettin' 'er done

I found the source of my noisy neighbor and he is not Pileated after all. That there is a Hairy I think...but maybe a male Downy. I'm going Hairy. Careful, too many holes and that county tree might fall.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


I deterred on the side of safety. I do believe I could have biked it, but I wasn't sure the vehiculars would see me. It was cold and breezy, but you tend to not focus on that when you are riding for your life. Your thresholds tend to disappear.

My neighborhood was fine, it always is...well, at least my street. Doesn't hurt to have a plow live at the end of the street. My driver got me fine. Getting Larry...another story.

Uhm, and if someone would have hit me on my bike quite possibly they would have never known. Sincerely, that ride felt like we ran over a morgue of dead bodies. The snow in Brittany and Larry's neighborhoods had not been plowed. The snow kissed the very tall bumper of our superpowered pickup.

Brittany's hood featured snow boarding, right there on the DC street...sweet! Larry, from Jamaica, experienced his first snow drift. His accent most bizarre amidst a blizzard. His boylike amazement adorable.

There was a train on 650. We both heard it, definite train. Lee said, there's no tracks anywhere near here. I said, well then, there is a train very very lost. I wouldn't be surprised, nothing looked familiar.

Had I biked, I would have missed all that excitement.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


If a bike rides in a blizzard and no one is around to see it does it even count? Effingham it, send a driver! I don't really want to get hit.

Reply Hazy

They aren't rose colored to say the least. Now the side roads suck too. My bike wants a divorce. We aren't speaking. I'm not happy.

I am more than done with this side plate of regret. I'm fool. May I leave the table please? It's been a long year.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Worst Commute EVAH

Objects in mirror appear clearer than they really are.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Peanuts, Pepper, Parker

3 days. That's all they recommend. Three days of supplies to survive a natural disaster. And they say most people aren't prepared. Seriously? Somewhere tucked in a cupboard you don't have sustenance for 72 hours??

Say what you need...hoarder, weirdo, stock piler...but I could last weeks. I've always got emergency funds. Here you see, I was packing up the car to stash at work. It's a new job so I don't yet have emergency food I do. Ravioli, Powerbars, DP, and...Parker?

And you know what's funny? I'm not ever STUCK anywhere. I don't even understand the hubub. What do you mean cabin fever? You can't get out the door?

I haven't missed a spoke. I rode Friday, Saturday, Sunday. When exactly was the storm...oh yeah, definitely Saturday I rode in that shit. My first blizzard, go on mark it down. Sunday though, worse.

When they say stay off the roads they mean it. You are making it impossible. Where exactly do you NEED TO BE? I'm on my way to work, what's your excuse? I wish there was a bike ride simulator so everyone could see the roads the way I see them. Then you'd really understand.

Back roads have become my best friend. They are clear, they are wet, they are passable. The main drags...a major drag.

This morning I felt like I was 7 barely peering over the steering wheel of that antique car ride at Hershey Park. You know banging the car into the rail that keeps you from getting off course if you are well 7 (or 70) and unable to drive.

But here on my one seater, I got locked into a sloppy tread and just kept banging against the 6" side. Either I need a straighter bar, YES, (ha, straighter bar, ha) or I need to get my pedallying ass off the destroyed main roads YES. And these are our Evacuation Routes out of the city?!?!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Snowdeo Drive

It was a false sense of security. The plows had come, the snow was clear, the streets wet. What a difference a day makes. UNTIL>>>>

I take back everything I've ever said about Chevy Chase and the money and the influence. It was easy going until rolling up on Rodeo Drive. It didn't look like a plow had touched the place. Maybe no one wanted to shop those expensive stores so they neglected the streets.

It was weird I tell you. Clear, clear, clear, NOT. Whahahappened here?? I'm not sure the Civic could have made it honestly. But the sidewalks were clear.

Updating....there is an odd no man's land type bermuda triangle positioned precisely between the Maryland/DC line...apparently. For it is here that no plow dare tread.

True dat. On the way home I bailed to Connecticut, not the state, the clearly unplowed, ill treated street. My luck did not runneth over...but I damn near was.

Funny, there weren't many who worried of my fate, but those who wanted status reports merely wanted them for the day of the blizzard. The two commutes today were decisively worse. But I made it just fine, thanks for asking.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010

I love my Bike

Rain, sleet, snow, blizzard, rush hour matter
My bicycle takes me past where your car leaves you sit.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Snow Daze

Hi. Today is my weekend; the day ordinary people run ordinary errands like grocery shopping. Dairy, meat, pasta, snacks. When milk is on the list for a reason.

For the second time this year I unjoyrode around the Giant parking lot and never left my car. It's at the mall, it really is a GIANT parking lot.

Really folks, it's snow. It's cleared the same day. That's a whole 'nother gripe. If it weren't you'd be justified. But I'm fairly certain, snow alone does not cause a calcium deficiency.

I haven't had a serious job in two months. I'm working five whole days next week. Saturday I may never return home. Sunday is the Super Bowl. I've tried, but I can't figure out how to exist without food and I haven't had a substantial grocery list since November.

Please let me in! For anyone keeping score early: I couldn't get IN Giant or OUT of McGruders.


Who needs a gym. Life is free, live active. There's time to sew and time to GO!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I'm As Right As Can Be

You will never find me that far right. At times I'm not sure I was even on pavement. It was saweeeet.

There in the center, trucks drove. They packed the snow, they plowed the snow, they just added salt. They coulda kilt me. Why does the process to make roads safer seem to make them worse? The just fallen, untouched snow was like riding on clouds. I think it was even easier than dry road!

And I had a thought, with all this talk of snow budgets' bust. I never understood the immense desire to immediately drive anyway...especially since most of these happened on the weekend. But if you really must should pay.

Let the drivers out there buy their own salt and spread it behind their cars. Make salt a requirement to be out on the roads. If they don't have it, fine them.

Plow the essential roads, for emergencies. Let the others to the people. Neighborhoods, start shoveling my friend. Just that small patch of asphalt in front of your casa. If you have a neighbor across from you....just half the work!

Businesses that are not essential and have to be snow taxes. I don't care if they pass it down to the consumer...those fools shouldn't be out there either!

At least on the weekends....

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

It's Good To Be Home

Toto, I don't think we're in DC anymore.

Monday, February 1, 2010

I Don't Want To Talk About It

Have you heard the one about the hamster and the elephant? Grab onto your seat, you won't believe this one.

A hamster and an elephant walk into a, no, no. But you do know about the Salt Flats and White Rim of Evil, yes? The countless flats, Pot Canyon, yada yada??

Somewhere along the way my bike became unstable. VERY unstable. I mean I hit those chasms hard! I checked everything: tires, rims, spokes, frame, headset, tires, rims, frame, headset, tires, get the picture.

I couldn't find the culprit. Then I put on new tires, new fenders, and I did straighten the handlebars (maybe). Then I started my new job. That's when the trouble always happens.

I took the trail. The bumpy, icy, snowy trail. I almost cried. Oh, I am not joking. I missed my slick tires for sure. The zip tie holding my back fender in place was jostled from its secure function...I didn't even know that could happen!

This caused the already squeaky fenders to drag on my already bulky tires. Hamster meet elephant. I pedallyed and pedallyed like a hamster on a wheel and felt like I was dragging an elephant.

I stopped several times, trying to settle my uneasiness of the ride. After the trail torture, the unstableness was worse. Tire, rim, frame....nothing. Riding home later that night I was afraid to turn the corner, I thought the bike might split in two.

Somewhere along the way, like a flash of bright light (that's my tires up there by the way), I had an epiphany, a thought, an idea. I stuck my head in my ass and there was the answer.

And after I tightened the ever increasingly loosening seat bolt all was well and good again.