Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Long and Bumpy Road

Life is not always what it seems. What's that saying...better safe than sorry? You don't always know and you're not always right. Everything I ever needed to know I learned from my bicycle.

I got lost. Then, I got a flat. Or did I get a flat and then lost? Either neither, neither either; let's call the whole thing *cough*

Regardless, I whacked my back wheel. HARD. You know the kind, where you obsess about the pressure for the next 8 blocks. You glance back, you question the air, you actually stop, dismount, and push on the tire. Yeah, like that.

Lo and Ecce! I was ridin' on the rim. Did I mention late? I was also L7. So I tried the down and dirty: pump 'er back up. Back on the rim in two. Gonna have to pit it.

So I strip the tire, yank the tube, and....hesitate. The conscientious cyclist would check the tire for punctures; you know, run your hand along the inside to feel for glass and sharp matter. But this was a pot hole casualty and I was pumping the pavement. I needed to make like Opal.

But I stopped, and humored myself. I ran my fingers over the rubber. *ouch* What the? Industrial staple. Chomping on my tube. I may have whacked my wheel, but the tube held. It wasn't a pot hole after all, but a sharp metal object that flattened my kicks.

So let that be a lesson, or two, or three. First, don't assume that you know. You don't know what you don't know to quote Rumy. Second, take your time do it right, so says SOS Band. And thirdly, look thoroughly for the problem and find a way to fix it. Who said it? Aren't you listening...I'm saying it!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Puppy In The Road

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Thanks For That

Let’s talk etiquette. Race day fan etiquette.

1. Try not to step on feet…runners are gonna need theirs and I don’t want you on mine.
2. Port-0-Johns at the start line pre-race should be for runners. Could you maybe hold it 10 more minutes so a racer isn’t late?
3. Tall in back, short in front. Really just apply this across the board.
4. Stay off the course, especially en masse.
5. If your racer is 2 hours away, yield the curb Biotch

Okay seriously, this will cover the next 5 and pull up a chair:

Most of us are out there to see a runner. There are 30,000 runners. I know it’s important to see each other, I’ve been on both sides. But there are 30,000 runners. Chances are you are trying to see ONE. I am also trying to see ONE.

Finding each other is key. Your tall funny hats are great and cute…get in back! You’ve seen your runner….get in back! Your sign, oh your sign! Just get in back!

Seriously, your sign is huge. You are standing in front, in the course, with a HUGE sign over your head. I just missed 15 runners because of you. My photo opportunity….not even photoshop can solve this one.

I know it says RUN BRIAN RUN. Rude. 30,000 runners, you’re blocking 50 other fans’ views, and your sign isn’t even generic? Meanwhile runners are passing, missing their support, and it may cost them the race. Thanks for that.

Is Brian even near? I suppose some Brian could be, at least it’s not Haliz-Ewan. I started keeping track; I saw quite a few. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to pink slip your sign!

Oh, and balloons? Good like tall goofy hat. Get in back! If a runner has to duck to avoid your prop and again and again….you are in the course, rude, selfish, and need to

I am so not a fan.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


That's using your feet?

I would have gone further but my thumbs got tired. Thumbs. They haven't the practice of being heels.

Seems somewhere between P1 and 2 my gloves got displaced. Misplaced? Replaced.

You do what you can to get by. Funny thing is I think they may have been warmer than most of my gloves. Then again, it's wasn't that cold.

Can someone take my picture? Anyone? Anyone?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Carwinian Effect

You are going to want to sit down for this one. I am about to spit one for the automobile.

I champion pedestrian safety maybe more than the next guy, but even I have my limits. There is a difference between accident prevention and protecting stoopid.

Here's a thought: if you're gonna jaywalk, be smart about it. If you are wearing an ipod, molesting your phone, or just plain NOT looking, I should get to hit you. No questions asked.

OK, maybe not. But I'm just saying....and I know I'm not alone in this. And really, me, the quiet, pedaling pixie poses much less threat than the clunky car careening down the street.

That you would hear, right? I mean if you weren't jammin' an ipod and getting to second with your cell. But a motorless bicycle slips right by; while you note, you'd notice an automobile noising through the neighborhood.

Have you ever heard of a Hybrid? Amazing. More efficient, less pollutant. Air and noise. Did you hear that? No, I don't guess you did. It's a Hybrid, and it's quiet. Really quiet.

Yeah, wait it out. Enough idiots will step in their paths that Nadar will step in and make them crash Dummy proof. Soon enough Prii will come with sidewalk sirens--standard.

So much for Survival of The Fittest. Passing on your LEFT!

Monday, October 12, 2009


Shitty Or Priceless. How would you define your life? What is it worth? An extra 5 minutes? One dollar off?

Metro prides itself on safety and has been eating crow. They have been throwing employees under the bus. Their union stood up and said no.

They are reverting back to Standard Operating Procedures. At the cost of time?!? But bikers will beat the buses. Are they crazy, bosses don't understand. They never do.

Unions are in place to protect America. Not just the workers, but you and me. The UAW ensures that cars are made in a safe manner. IBEW keeps electricity flowing safely. The ILGWU made sure wardrobe malfunctions never popped out a nipple during a half time show.

SAG gives us good entertainment. WGA makes sure of it. When they strike, we suffer. Or get amazing things like Dr. Horrible. It's a win win win so to speak.

But we sacrifice safety for convenience. I for one am glad to see SOP back on top; it was created for a reason. And I will ride 14th a little more confidently instead of wrestling with Merto buses. I hope it sticks.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Almost 20 years ago I marched on Washington with my girlfriend. She was a lipstick lesbian who protested everything. I had an L on the breast of my shirt, but I popped in and out of the closet like an episode of Laverne and Shirley.

I saw an S & M group behind the White House. I gawked at cross dressers. I questioned why such a small group excluded bisexuals. I watched the media circle the freaks. The NPS play down the numbers. Governor Clinton make his rounds. That was before he didn't ask and we didn't tell.

Two decades later we are still fighting the same fight. I lost the girlfriend, married, and divorced. I lived the legal life. It ain't all it's cracked up to be. The gays aren't destroying what the homo sapiens have already exploited.

Today I still refuse to define myself. Labels are for clothes and clothes live in closets. But I was a flag flying fag friend all the way up 14th Street. People looked, they smiled, they honked. No more stone throwing, threats, or curses. I would have proudly held my girlfriend's hand.

We fight the same fight, but times have changed. People are people and families all look the same. No one wants a bedroom policed. Everyone wants to be loved. How is this still an issue?

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Makes me want to drive more.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Lit Out Of Luck

I don't care what they say, I got skills. Mad Skillz. Crazy McGyver skeels.

I can make fire with a stick. I can make dinner with condiment packs. I can make love outta nuthin' at all. Out of nuthin' at all!

I can fashion safety from a flashlight, zip ties, and foam. But back lighting will kill you. It ain't a lick a good under the burning ball of gas of day.

You can show a man a stop sign and teach him how to brake. But you gotta make him look. Mission Accomplished. One simple, loud HEY! Late, but he looked. Stopped dead in the street and looked me straight in the eye. And put it in reverse.

First I watched him yield through a stop, turning right, looking the same, never stopping, never looking left. See, I'm smarter than the average gas pedal. I knew what he was up to.

Then I screamed in his open window as I rolled up on his driver's side door. I know how to use my brake. He froze, there in the street, looking at the cyclist he almost turned into Flat Stanley.

Thanks for that!

Thursday, October 1, 2009