Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Our authorized Service Person stopped by on 3-24-09 to install and/or replace an electronic device on your gas meter. We are sorry to have missed you. To schedule an appointment that is convenient to you please call...
First of all, no effort was made to gain entry for any such repair. I was home when this was placed upon my door.
Secondly, calling does not allow one to schedule anything except a return phone call, which could occur at any time over the next 48 hours. Tag, you are IT.
Trois, "appointment that is convenient"? Please define "convenient". On second thought, "appointment".
I have lost count, but I bet they aren't even really sorry they missed me. In fact, I would not be at all surprised if they missed me again. "Appointment."
Last, but not least, "electronic device"?? We lay folk call them "batteries". But these is special "gas battrees" I guess. Good for 13 years. Did you say thirteen years? As in unlucky 13? Friday the 13th? MS-13? Is that a spider?
My Lands Blue, could this be certain? A AA battery that lasts 13 years? And here I have been replacing my fire alarm batteries in tandem with my toothbrush. Wasteful foolishness. I need to get me some of them gas battrees.
Come to think of it if that there battree is monitoring my gas usage, maybe I just 'borrow' it? What's the harm in an idle gas meter? Then I can pop that 13 year battree in my bike light and ride gas free and seen for the next 13 years.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Today I tackled electricity. Scary, but simple. Essentially there are two wires, black and white. Hot and neutral and sometimes ground.
There are exceptions to every rule. My house straddles them all.
My math was fuzzy or my eyes went cross. Black, red, white, brown, and two identical shits that looked like speaker wire.
Even if you grew up with a calculator you could still use an abacus to count. This was harder than minutes:seconds:frames.
I called for backup, you know, just to be sure. It's simple, but there's cause to pause if you've ever felt the surge. For example, say if you stuck a sharp metal object into a live wall socket...First you say it, then you do it!
I thought it was easy. Simple question, easy answer. I worded it thusly, "this nondescript speaker type wire, how do you tell them apart?" I'm thinking there's a positive and negative or a meter or something.
His response was more of a geometry proof that fell just short of a functional solution. What is this job security? His answer amounted to this:
You guess. Connect the wires, flip the switch, and....after a deliberately uncomfortable pause, I repeated it back to him....stick your finger in the socket? "If you don't get shocked, it's right."
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Left. There was a left. We missed the left. We should have turned left. Right?
Right. This looks right. Nancy says it’s right. Remember we left Feather right there?
How can I argue with that? Of course it looks right, I live right there. I am left out here all the time; just me and my bike. It absolutely looks familiar.
But the RAAM route says left. I can’t find a map and the computer is blue. Not blue meaning sad, but blue meaning good. Not. Off. Route.
But the left? I can’t find it on the computer. The cue sheet says left. Mile 16. Brighton Dam Road. At the light.
Wrong? The RAAM route is wrong? Really? Are you sure? Of course it looks right, but the left…
Lost in my own backyard. I am sure we missed the left, but this does look familiar. I remember the church. But what about this left? How could we have missed it?
Look at the picture. Clearly it is a blind turn. A poorly signed intersection. Easily missed. Confusing and camouflaged. Dam!
If only there had been a sig….I mean maybe if the sign were bigg…perhaps if there were blinking ligh…well I mean if the left had really been gaily forward we were already ready already. Right there waiting for the car that apparently steered left.
Friday, May 15, 2009
This is about the Eat 'n Park.
The Eat 'n Park has great takeout. That's what the sign says. It's an effective use of a sign. It delivers a message otherwise understated.
I think Eat 'n Park Somewhere Else maybe didn't fit on the sign.
As for the Kum & Go, well, maybe that sign says it all.
Come to think of it, maybe they're saying the same thing?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
THINGS I WOULD RATHER HAVE IN MY EYE.
Waterboarding is so last Administration. Scorching retinas is all the rage.
Seriously, need information? Want action? Dying to hear your name with "Oh God Please!"?
The eyes have it. Waterboarding a welcome relief from Springtime in Washington. It's either that or scratch them out with a pencil.
It just might be time to move. Hey Doc, what's that pollen count out in SDC?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Thou doth doubt me. I need not renew said license, I speaketh truths.
Cheeto my ass. I knew it. I WAS attacked by a cheetah weeks past. You. You. You, Mrs. Doubtcrier.
Would you care for a beverage to wash down that side order of crow?
Do you see that concrete abuttal? That, my path-less-traveled carpatriots, is as they say, NEW.
Uhhuh, yeah. Not a cheetah? Pwah!
Why then does the government throw money at this particular back of hoe? Yes, yes, of course, stimulation. But throwing money at this shovel ready ho'back for stimulation? Wait…that doesn’t look right...
Rack the focus. Wait....
The moat. Focus on the moat, stupid. M.O.A.T. A preliminary line of defense against, say, raging, wild animals that randomly target unsuspecting trail riders out minding their own business in the thick of the city, never once suspecting from the dark shadows might spring…a, a, ah Cheetah!
It is the city after all. Rapist, robber, rebel rouser, yes, but never a cheddar orange feline poised to attack Me-OW.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Currently, it's ON again. For how long, we shall see. It's definitely a love/hate relationship. Sometimes it is abusive.
When we are together it's hot, sweaty, heart racing. I often feel like it doesn't matter if I come, however. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. It always feels better when it's over. Sometimes I'm sore the next day. Sometimes I have trouble walking.
I like it slow and controlled. I am self conscious when others watch. Yes, I need to watch my form, but I hate all the mirrors. I know it would be much more enjoyable if I were more flexible. I know.
And then there are the days when I'd rather just sleep in. Sometimes I want to roll over and just cuddle. Nothing doing, this is your Booty Calling....
Right now I am giving this arrangement a go. For now I will focus on staying strong. I don't really love Gym, I just use him to look good.
This shit don't grow on trees you know...but it does grow on rocks!