Sunday, May 31, 2009

Friday, May 29, 2009

Tasty Morsel

I'll bring home the bacon

Sunday, May 24, 2009

As NOT Seen On TV

Message from the Emergency Non-Broadcast System. If you cannot see this message, it is not working...perfectly. And in a side note, if you are seeing this message: Congratulations, you are indeed prepared for the digital conversion. It is, however, not full proof.

Can you see us now? If you have the network, you got the network. Verizon, Comcast, and Directv HD customers were all still receiving our free local signal. Everyone else got a Cut Back Signal. Transmitter forgot to send out email: On Furlough.

Wha-ha-happened about me? Wha ha happened was a surge. This caused a blip in our digital transmission. A blip that lasted one hundred and ten minutes.

Black to an MC operator is like unexpected brake lights to a distracted driver. Adrenaline rush, exceeded target HR, hands shake and legs turn to rubberbands. Beltway not required. There is nothing that clears a room faster. Co-workers suddenly discover they are late for meetings that don't exist.

Recovery is key. 10 seconds feels like 20 minutes. Think Janet Jackson's nipple. Two seconds a few people would like to get back. Ironically, turns out 110 minutes doesn't feel much longer.

So the HD Air monitor never came back. And someone threw a snowball in my hell. The room squeaked, beeped, and flashed as if we were under full blown nuclear attack. This turned out to be a good thing as I fielded calls from the boss to an engineer flying down 270 to EchoStar, who all concurred, "maybe I let you go".

Next the transmitter monitor failed. Red, ??, and 0 collectively, singly, or randomly=NOT GOOD. And Moseley lit up and flashed leaving me completely blind to all things TX.

15 minutes later, analog went black. "What else you got for me!?"

The generator failed and the back up batteries drained and therefore died. 4010 Cheapeake was going up in smoke and 4100 was unable to get the story to air.

Two words: Gas Battrees.

Happy 13th Anniversary

Friday, May 22, 2009


First there was a note on the door. Then a letter in the mail. And a phone call. And another. And another. I would not be surprised if there were 13 calls between us.

Our authorized Service Person stopped by on 3-24-09 to install and/or replace an electronic device on your gas meter. We are sorry to have missed you. To schedule an appointment that is convenient to you please call...


First of all, no effort was made to gain entry for any such repair. I was home when this was placed upon my door.

Secondly, calling does not allow one to schedule anything except a return phone call, which could occur at any time over the next 48 hours. Tag, you are IT.

Trois, "appointment that is convenient"? Please define "convenient". On second thought, "appointment".

I have lost count, but I bet they aren't even really sorry they missed me. In fact, I would not be at all surprised if they missed me again. "Appointment."

Last, but not least, "electronic device"?? We lay folk call them "batteries". But these is special "gas battrees" I guess. Good for 13 years. Did you say thirteen years? As in unlucky 13? Friday the 13th? MS-13? Is that a spider?

My Lands Blue, could this be certain? A AA battery that lasts 13 years? And here I have been replacing my fire alarm batteries in tandem with my toothbrush. Wasteful foolishness. I need to get me some of them gas battrees.

Come to think of it if that there battree is monitoring my gas usage, maybe I just 'borrow' it? What's the harm in an idle gas meter? Then I can pop that 13 year battree in my bike light and ride gas free and seen for the next 13 years.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Enlighten Me

Armed with tools and 50 years experience, he said my door could not be fixed. Who am I to judge? But in an act of desperation, I doused it in WD40. Girl go in, girl go out; you go girl.

Today I tackled electricity. Scary, but simple. Essentially there are two wires, black and white. Hot and neutral and sometimes ground.

There are exceptions to every rule. My house straddles them all.

My math was fuzzy or my eyes went cross. Black, red, white, brown, and two identical shits that looked like speaker wire.

Even if you grew up with a calculator you could still use an abacus to count. This was harder than minutes:seconds:frames.

I called for backup, you know, just to be sure. It's simple, but there's cause to pause if you've ever felt the surge. For example, say if you stuck a sharp metal object into a live wall socket...First you say it, then you do it!

I thought it was easy. Simple question, easy answer. I worded it thusly, "this nondescript speaker type wire, how do you tell them apart?" I'm thinking there's a positive and negative or a meter or something.

His response was more of a geometry proof that fell just short of a functional solution. What is this job security? His answer amounted to this:

You guess. Connect the wires, flip the switch, and....after a deliberately uncomfortable pause, I repeated it back to him....stick your finger in the socket? "If you don't get shocked, it's right."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Dam Left


Left. There was a left. We missed the left. We should have turned left. Right?


Right. This looks right. Nancy says it’s right. Remember we left Feather right there?

How can I argue with that? Of course it looks right, I live right there. I am left out here all the time; just me and my bike. It absolutely looks familiar.

But the RAAM route says left. I can’t find a map and the computer is blue. Not blue meaning sad, but blue meaning good. Not. Off. Route.

But the left? I can’t find it on the computer. The cue sheet says left. Mile 16. Brighton Dam Road. At the light.

Wrong? The RAAM route is wrong? Really? Are you sure? Of course it looks right, but the left…

Lost in my own backyard. I am sure we missed the left, but this does look familiar. I remember the church. But what about this left? How could we have missed it?

Look at the picture. Clearly it is a blind turn. A poorly signed intersection. Easily missed. Confusing and camouflaged. Dam!

If only there had been a sig….I mean maybe if the sign were bigg…perhaps if there were blinking ligh…well I mean if the left had really been gaily forward we were already ready already. Right there waiting for the car that apparently steered left.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Adverteasing 101

This is about the Eat 'n Park.

The Eat 'n Park has great takeout. That's what the sign says. It's an effective use of a sign. It delivers a message otherwise understated.

I think Eat 'n Park Somewhere Else maybe didn't fit on the sign.

As for the Kum & Go, well, maybe that sign says it all.

Come to think of it, maybe they're saying the same thing?

Come Again

Now what exactly do you want me to do to myself while you are hand washing me?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Oh M'eye

Sulfuric Acid. Searing hot ice pick. Wire bristled brush. Metal shavings. A three inch deck screw.


Waterboarding is so last Administration. Scorching retinas is all the rage.

Seriously, need information? Want action? Dying to hear your name with "Oh God Please!"?

The eyes have it. Waterboarding a welcome relief from Springtime in Washington. It's either that or scratch them out with a pencil.

It just might be time to move. Hey Doc, what's that pollen count out in SDC?

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Metro Outsources Animal Trench


Thou doth doubt me. I need not renew said license, I speaketh truths.

Cheeto my ass. I knew it. I WAS attacked by a cheetah weeks past. You. You. You, Mrs. Doubtcrier.

Would you care for a beverage to wash down that side order of crow?

Do you see that concrete abuttal? That, my path-less-traveled carpatriots, is as they say, NEW.

Uhhuh, yeah. Not a cheetah? Pwah!

Why then does the government throw money at this particular back of hoe? Yes, yes, of course, stimulation. But throwing money at this shovel ready ho'back for stimulation? Wait…that doesn’t look right...

Rack the focus. Wait....

The moat. Focus on the moat, stupid. M.O.A.T. A preliminary line of defense against, say, raging, wild animals that randomly target unsuspecting trail riders out minding their own business in the thick of the city, never once suspecting from the dark shadows might spring…a, a, ah Cheetah!

It is the city after all. Rapist, robber, rebel rouser, yes, but never a cheddar orange feline poised to attack Me-OW.

Monday, May 4, 2009

It's So Hard

It's true. I have commitment issues. I can admit it. There is a fear of falling. It is the fuel to my on again/off again relationship.

Currently, it's ON again. For how long, we shall see. It's definitely a love/hate relationship. Sometimes it is abusive.

When we are together it's hot, sweaty, heart racing. I often feel like it doesn't matter if I come, however. I'm not gonna lie, it hurts. It always feels better when it's over. Sometimes I'm sore the next day. Sometimes I have trouble walking.

I like it slow and controlled. I am self conscious when others watch. Yes, I need to watch my form, but I hate all the mirrors. I know it would be much more enjoyable if I were more flexible. I know.

And then there are the days when I'd rather just sleep in. Sometimes I want to roll over and just cuddle. Nothing doing, this is your Booty Calling....

Right now I am giving this arrangement a go. For now I will focus on staying strong. I don't really love Gym, I just use him to look good.

This shit don't grow on trees you know...but it does grow on rocks!