I'd like to first draw your attention to the picture on the right. Notice the big green button on the left wall. That is what you are supposed to push to exit, I believe you will notice also a note on the left door stating as much. We here in America, however, travel on the right. Perhaps you see the danger in this set up. I mean I'm no Engineer, well, actually I am but not that kind of Engineer.
So let's jump to the point of impact. JD was standing over me going on and on about a red cast on my arm. Then I got whisked away to the ER by way of several traffic circles that may have been unnecessary, but I wasn't driving, nor thinking clearly. So we finally got to the ER where I sat in the waiting room and read something about mothers and unicorns on the sign above the desk.
My designated driver parked illegally in front of a police car right in front of the Emergency Room access. She then came in walked by me several times (the waiting room is the size of a small closet) and then sat down next to me across from a room labeled TRIAGE, which she managed to pronounce, but had trouble figuring out what it was. She's a reporter. And I was hit on the head? It's where they coral the 3 year olds duh!
Then they call me back and perform an eye test from the adjacent wing. The nurse texts me to tell me to cover the right eye. I read a couple lines, hesitate, and seriously wonder if she wants me call out the Russian characters I see in the next line. I do. She asks me to stop.
Then they call in the main gal, the one who engages in the multiple questions about my sex life or rather lack thereof. Remember the back and forth between pregnancy and period? Now I've only experienced the one but I believe they are both fairly obvious and somewhat mutually exclusive of each other. But she thoroughly questions me anyway, to be sure. Don't they have tests for that...I mean if you don't trust me. Or was there a particular answer you were looking for ma'am? What have you heard??
Then she does the drinking tests. Turns out I'm sober. Cold hard sober. Completely within the legal limit. Maybe if I had said I was pregnant we could have skipped this part? Then Chandelier checked me in. The Divine Miss not the elegant light fixture. I'm sorry? Is that your stripper name? I remember when they used to have STRIPERS in hospitals...
Then they hooked me up with a bike where the wheels were next to each other instead of one in front of the other. Because there were no working pedals this turned out to be a good thing. And it came with a chauffeur who took me to the CAT test. I'm still not exactly sure why they were looking for cats in my head, but turns out none were there, thank god.
Then they told me to resume normal activity minus the TV watching, drinking, and staying up late. I don't understand, what? My head hurts. I managed to check off all three, oh wait, I think I got confused I WASN'T supposed to do those, shoot.
When I went to work today I marched myself up to HR to fill out an accident report. I wore my helmet inside the building and everyone laughed.
Got it? Unicorns, a cast, Chandeliers, cats, sober, NOT PREGNANT. That's 100% what happened as accurately as I can possibly recall.
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