Good For Life

You expect your ob/gyn to have heard it all, seen it all. I mean you never really want someone between your legs exclaiming, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that before!" Well, at least girls don't really so much, boys probably get off on it.

Your first time, like all things sexual in nature, is a little awkward, a little scary, a little uncomfortable. You are young, shy, and not really looking forward to cold metal objects approaching you from that angle.

The day before my first appointment, the man I waited months to see, fell off his horse and destroyed his knee. In his place, sauntered in Cowboy Ben, “Well, howdy little lady” or at least that’s how I remember it. Maybe he wasn’t wearing a cowboy hat and chaps, but there were definitely spurs or stirrups or something. And flannel, I think there was definitely flannel. Panic set in.

But Cowboy Ben was calming and reassuring. It never really made the experience any more enjoyable, but he was nice enough in his pre-historic practice. I could have done without the casual conversation between my legs, however. "Nice weather, eh? So, have you tried the new Cherry Dr Pepper?"

Speaking of Dr Pepper…All was well and good for years and years, until they found IT. “Excuse me, but what exactly is the IT to which you keep referring?” “We’ll let you know if we find IT.” Well, they never told me what IT was, but they found IT at 10, 2, and 4 and I don’t think it was Dr Pepper.

The whole experience felt like an abortion with a wire hanger. I won’t go into specifics, but I vowed never to have sex with a man again. Perhaps that was a little extreme. What I really needed was a second opinion and a new gynecologist.

What I got was a cancer scare and a puppy. “Hi, Honey, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, and I’m really sorry for my part in it; here’s a big plush puppy.” I get cancer and he gives me a stuffed animal? Really, the cancer would be plenty.

The good news: no cancer. And I love my new gynecologist, even when she asks me awkward questions about my ‘adventurous’ sex life. She’s a hoot. And thanks to her post-historic testing never found IT or anything else for that matter. I'm still not into puppies, jury remains out on boys.