The Birds and TVs

Still making teevee after all these years. I'd like to credit my years of training or degree of schooling, but these is the skills you learn in kindeegarten, or shortly thereafter...and they stay with you.

It's true, I've spent many hours on the weekend juggling equipment, wires, and formats in order to get a picture out of a box through a hose and into another box. WHAT are WE talking ABOUT here??!! Signals, no maintenance technicans in house, and out of station reporters and non compatiable equipment, what did YOU think WE were talking ABOUT?!

Circa 1980...remember that episode of Laverne and Shirley when they all contorted their bodies and grabbed some tin foil in order to tune in the tv signal that was snowy and indiscernable? Ah, the good ole days of broadcast.

Now a days it's all HDTV and either the signal is there or it's not. No more ghosting, no more hash. No more tin foil antenna parties. Just signal. No Signal. And then there's the whole converter box saga for those rare few of us still holding on to our square teevees. Yep, that's me.

And like a good girlfriend, I left not only my antenna but now my DirecTV box at the country house...leaving me with NO tv. I've still got the box, but no way to tune in a signal. Or do I? I do have an incense burner. Yes, incense (it's metal). And a spare co-ax cable. TADA, teevee. If that didn't work, the tin foil hat was next!

So just to recap, in case you ever need to do this at home: I jammed a coax in my box (watch your minds...)  touched the tip with metal (still talking television) and presto: TV...that boys and girls, is how tv is made. And actually I guess babies too!



Below the Fold

When my friends find out how much I make (and the fact that it doesn't pay the bills) they think I'm crazy for quitting my financially comfortable job. They also suggest asking my boss for a raise. Mmmm...yeah, I think they call it non-profit for a reason.

So indeed, I took a bit of a pay cut, but the flexible schedule, nights, weekends, and holidays make it all worth it. I think. And yet, I struggle:

1. Where to get my news.
This has been quite a big dilemma. I used to get my fill of current events on the clock. I tried watching local news, but it turns out they need to pay me to watch that crap. I can't afford the paper nor do I want the pressure of reading it every day. Online...well, I spend a majority of my day on the computer and don't really want to do it a minute more. So if it doesn't cross my facebook newsfeed, it ain't news.

2. How to get exercise.
I used to commute to work by bike. Now I walk down the stairs, brew my coffee, and wear my pajamas into my home office. No commute required. I've gained 20 pounds. And aged 10 years. I can't touch my toes and my hips ache. When I walk the dog my arm hurts the next day. This sucks. When did I become that person?

3. I'm dehydrated.
Oh, I know how it sounds. It's true what they say about the water cooler, there's a certain social aspect tied to it. My kitchen faucet doesn't have nearly the same effect.  And I'm downing beer, coffee, and tea but now I'm hearing that doesn't even count. I've seen how they're all made and I can assure you plenty of water goes into everything. In fact, you can even see it in certain mass brews.

The good news is I've found a solution that addresses all three downfalls at once! At least for those days when I'm in the city. If I ride down to the Newseum I can get the front page news from across the nation in one quick ride by. Then I flip and climb back up the hill. Inevitably I get thirsty.

News. Exercise. Hydration. I still can't pay the bills, but I had Christmas and New Years off. And...there's your Christmas bonus!

Love Is: A Blade of Grass Times a Yard

Oh man, do I feel like this one. We do this on occasion with each other. Today we did it on the phone, but it wasn't as much fun. We could maybe skype except I'd have to wait like an hour to see it. Some things are slower outside the city, and clearly this is a country dog.

Ripley doesn't have a care in the world. She is like a 10 year old boy, perhaps that is why we get along so famously. And I was worried. She's better than that dog in the movie I like, what was it...Wendy and Lucy...hmmm, now that's weird.

I love when she runs off with the neighbor bear, okay it's not really a bear but after a third beer I wouldn't want to be faced with it and a real bear and asked to choose. It's as big as a bear. And they are like the cutie boys in the neighborhood who do everything together.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Put More Play In Your Day. No nay sayers, I do not regret my decision. I don't make decisions that lightly. And for once (maybe twice) I am answering my heart. Lucky me, my heart and my head are on the same page.

After just one day of freedom, I can see more clearly what I sacrificed over the past two years. I am glad to have that necessary period behind me. It put me where I am today and that can easily be defined as HAPPY. See Picture Above.

No one seems to be buying my 'want to see more sunsets' answer. Too bad for them. They look at me worried and sad and I am thinking the same thing back at them. It's bad enough they commute to work in a car, but to sit in that dungeon staring at that box is just too damn much.

What about money, they worry. I'll be fine. I have what I need and I need what I have. It's good. Let me just ask you to do one thing:  Define RICH.

Thanks For That

Did anyone hear the national anthem? Oh man those were the days. Then to bars or hash and home to bed. Because people accuse me of being too cryptic too often let me spell this one out for you loud and clear:  I  J U S T  Q U I T  M Y  J O B.

I have no clear goal. No definite plan. Not true. The plan was to quit TV. I gave myself 2 years. Those years are up. In life I set a goal and then I do it. Gives you something to work for, something to achieve, something to overcome. I'm focused that way. Goal met. Plan enacted.

And let me put it to you this way. I could continue to eat out of plastic containers that melted in the microwave and contain the same leftover disappointment I ate three days in a row while straining to hear the thoughts in my head as the cleaning crew mops and vacuums around me AS I AM EATING....or I could eat fresh healthy food I just made in my adult bake oven.

I could continue to work 15 hour days with just enough time to shower and go to sleep before getting up to do it again. I could continue to be sad and lonely, uninvited to parties and family functions because I have to stay and watch really bad TV go by. Reality shows of people living while I...sit. I could continue to never dream of a different life because it will never come....

Or  I  C O U L D  Q U I T...which did I mention, I just did. 16 years of service and I just faded to black. No reception for me, no cake, no thanks for your service. Just leave your card with Tom and get the hell out. Okay, cool. Really, I'm cool with that. Amazing how getting laid off can change a person. And then Q U I T T I N G in the end. Et Tu.

Welcome, brand new life. I have been waiting for you. Let's go have some fun...

Not Too Close!

Well that's a bit of a flip. I found myself on the wrong side of a lens today. But look, I survived!

Let's start with early morning, when I decided it would be a good idea to google this 'cable station' we were about to be on. Turns out the translation, or my interpretation of it, was somehow skewed. This was less of your garden variety community access channel and more of a globally accessed 24 Hour satellite news operation. Entirely less Wayne, ALL World.

And yes, Mom, if you have the Filipino Channel at home, you could have seen me live on television.  Prime Time in the States to be exact. Oh, wow, I don't think I realized that until just now.

So we exchange our Licenses for All Access TV passes. Guards Everywhere, at the gate, inside the building, and yet once we got in, no escort. I poked my head around a little but clearly nothing for me to get into on this floor, except dimmer rooms and UPS...which are kind of important in TV.

So we head to the Peach Room. In case you aren't a fancy, important TV star none of them are typically Green. But the anchor himself, did come down and personally welcome us to the show, so that impressed me. Then Makeup....da da da....

Jo and I decided this was all about Joel. He's the main attraction, we were just the pips. We could stand behind shuffle our feet, snap our fingers, and croon shooby dooby doo.  Anything to keep me out of that Makeup chair!

In the end, I survived. We all did. Our phones were not ringing off the hook with kudos of our show as they had the night before on the radio program. Yeah, Man! (you probably had to be there). And we uneventfully went to Starbucks afterwards and not a single person asked for our autographs.  One small child ran up to us eagerly with an outstretched hand, but that's it.

15 Minutes...checked off the bucket list, as if it were even on it! Oh, and in case you were wondering, Yes I found my hat, but No I couldn't wear it on teevee. She actually handed me a brush...I don't have to think she was telling me something.  I looked at it like, what the heck is this?? Then I went mountain biking all done up and pretty.

Technically Speaking

Engineer: How's the shot?
Technician: audio is bad
Engineer: How's the video?
Technician: Fine, but the audio is bad
Engineer: But the video looks good?
Technician: Yes, but there's noisy audio
Engineer: The audio is bad?
Technician: Yes, bad
Engineer: Bad?
Technician: There's a loud squealy noise
Engineer: (repeating) "there's a loud squealy noise"
Techician: it's really annoying
Engineer: But is it usable?

Banks of de Nile

Trenches, ditches, reservoirs. I want a solution that doesn't involve a spade.

The weather dude says rain is coming. No doubt. For hours, days even. Exit stage left. Not to be a Snagglepuss.

We plot. We plan. I plead. Heavens to Murgatroyd! What will we do? How will we keep the water from flowing???

HE comes up with a complex solution. I shrug it off. "It will be fine. It'll be fine. It's not going to be a problem."

"Oh! Not going to be a problem she says, " he says. He wanders off in an exaggerated huff spanning the newsroom. "I guess I'll change my forecast then!"

Don't Touch That Dial

Don't let the smile fool you. He's wicked cute, emphasis on the wicked.

Dog sitting. Standing really, I didn't actually sit. Can we talk about the house? Someone should call the Humane Society, dogs shouldn't be exposed to such trash.

As soon as you walk in, you are faced with it, it's right there, right inside the door. I know dogs like it, it keeps them company...but Channel 9, REALLY? ALL day long? For THREE days straight? It's criminal I tell you. You'd have to pay me to sit through that!

I told Topper he had a fan. He said maybe the dogs were trying to impress me. Hmmm? I got one that won't pee and the other eying my wrist like an intruding rabbit. If that is 'impress' someone should buy them a thesaurus. On the other hand, call Nielsen, our ratings are up!

Does anyone know Spanish for please, don't gnaw off my hand? Good Doggie.

Break Broken

Here we go again. Are you ready for some Football? Can't wait. Brought to you in part by...Can't Broadcast Shit.

Let's talk about my local break. :94 of paycheck quality air. That's 3 commercials to the layperson. I foxtrotted two of them. That's 33% success...complete break FAIL.

Let's be real. The contingencies require the aid of a translator. And an octopus. If game A ends at 19:17:56 do X. If game A ends at 19:18:01 do Y. If you are thrown to game B 19:17:00-19:28:56 put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

I was never good at word problems. Always rocked the numbers, but add all that alphabet in the middle of it and my brain starts to smoke. Train A leaves the station and Train B leaves NY, somewhere around 19:16:54 there will be a train wreck at 4100.

Miranda. There's that name again. And here I am without my helmet. Incoming Acorn! For those of you unfamiliar with blogs past...Miranda is a squirrel who is really a switcher. The gadget putting the pictures in your plasma box. And she is evil. She hates me. The feeling is somewhat mutual.

She's the reason I lost my job. But I'm back and she's bitter. And so when I ask her to do certain things for me she often sticks out her tongue and throws an acorn at my noggin.

But I love to write up my discrepancies with phrases like: "the switcher wasn't set up to handle my request therefore there was no button to take the source to air" and "the settings deep within the menu left the audio channels on mute causing the spot to air with no audio."

To recap, I aired one spot with no video. The next, no audio. The third, just right. Tech 1 Miranda 2.

Incoming...