Two Year Service On a Two Week Phone

Gore-Tex by definition is unaffected by water. It is backed by price. A 'windbreaker' jacket that runs into the $200 range must have super powers hence the hefty price tag. Those powers I believed to be Gore-Tex.

I. Was. Wrong. As the clouds darkened and moved closer, I raced to beat them home. I think I just might make it. I took a couple photos of the scary storm approaching as I dropped into the park by my house. I'd show you now, except that those photos became 'locked' in my phone after the above mentioned super powers FAILED.

 

Had I trusted my indestructible Timbuk2 bag all would have been well and dry. But NO, I went with Gore-Tex; it sounded meaner, badder, mad as a hatter! And my phone was DRENCHED in my Gore-Tex pocket, I guess, it stopped working immediately even though there was no visible water damage.

 

I gave it a week. Then two. See, I was convinced it didn't actually get wet since it was protected by Gore-Tex. Nothing in my bag even got wet...not one single dollar bill. Yes, I was soaked; it wasn't a derecho, but perhaps an ochocho (an 8 in the scheme of rain storms)...I'm glad for my helmet, let's say that.

 

Finally I broke down and got a new phone. I hated it. All of it. I didn't want a new phone. I wanted my old phone to work. Then I got slapped with this cost and that. I was charged an 'upgrade' fee and have yet to figure out how to access those 'upgrades'.

 

They gave me 14 days to return it. Two weeks. Fair enough, that's what I gave my old phone. The camera sucked. The resolution sucked. The camera features--sucked. The keyboard too small. The text messages small. The way the camera saves messages stupid! BUT, right around day 13 I conceded that the phone itself was pretty good. I could hear the person on the other end...and since my NEW business phone sounds awful as a phone I took this as a 'keeper'.

 

On the 14th day my phone DIED. Or rather, I guess, went deaf. I could no longer hear that crisp, clear caller on the other end. I called the store where I got the phone. Clearly, I had to borrow a phone. They told me to bring it in tomorrow for a brand new phone, which I did. And I got the runaround. No Phone.

 

I'll cut this short and just say I paid over $100 bucks for a phone that broke in two weeks. I wasn't allowed to get a new one because apparently phones at Verizon are only guaranteed for 13 days, unlucky 13.  My Timbuk2 Bag has a lifetime guarantee. My Gore-Tex jacket 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed from REI where I bought it. Verizon...somewhere in the vicinity of 2%.

 

I bet I could return that jacket for a new one stating my phone died in the pocket. I bought it about 5 years ago I think. That's over 1,825 days, 20 seasons, derecho, blizzard, perfectly sunny day. What I got at Verizon is the runaround, a week without phone service, miles on my car, a standoff on the phone, and eventually a brand new USED, REFURBISHED, POS. Awesome. And don't forget that upgrade I'll see on my next bill.



Afrayed Knot

Yet another entry from My Life in the Country. Those country girls are of a tougher breed. You'd think I could hack it, but I am often yanking out my girl card. I ain't too proud to show it.

It's like camping. The dirt. The bugs. The heat. There's no TV, barely Internet. But back home in the cushy city...there is no power. It's hot, there's no moving air, and rotting flesh in my freezer. I think I'll stay put.

The above is a picture of my girl's cooling source. I see now why she unplugs everything for fear of fire. She is a smart girl. She should be afraid. I sleep with one eye open in case that Pre WWII wiring ignites.

I'm typically a fan, no pun intended, of older appliances because I think they were built to last. This is clearly an example of just that; it's lasting all right! However, improvements to efficiency and attention to detail, most notably, SAFETY, are good excuses to UPGRADE. Just a suggestion.

So this death trap is placed precariously to cool us whilst we sleep. A shot of WD40 couldn't hurt things. I tried to sleep near it but couldn't get a wink of sleep. Squeak, Squeeeeeak, Squeeeeeeeaaaack! And I hate turning the thing off, it takes a good twenty minutes before it completely slows to a halt. The girl claims the slash in the Pitt's ear was from a vicious dog fight...I'm not entirely sure she didn't just get too close to the spinning machete she calls a 'fan'.

Clearly the girl got sick of waking up to an empty drenched bed because she broke down and bought an air conditioner. Say it isn't so! This is more historic than that Farmer Joad Fan. Now if I could just get her to clean out the 'office' so the puppy can actually lay down and enjoy the air.

Baby, you rock!  And I promise, you're gonna be a fan!

Ride and Seek

Either you already know me and are full well aware of this or you've been following along and can naturally assume...I've found the love of my life. Problem is she lives over there. And I live here.

Up to this point we have been juggling nicely. In this corner we have the city closet and the other the country cottage. I'm fairly certain all the pets would prefer to reside freely in the country...just maybe not all together.

And I think both girls would also like to reside in the quieter, calmer country, even together, just one of the two gets bored. I'll let you figure out which one. That one complains about lack of activity, lack of excitement, the bugs, the wind, the straight, flat, boring rides. Oh, and the pillowcases the other one keeps trying to pass off as actual fortified pillows.

But I'm, I mean, she, is trying. Okay, it's me, I'm the complainer. But let's focus back to trying. It was windy as hell yesterday...and I couldn't wait to get there and throw the bike to the wind. I'm gonna beat that beast! Now I knew the wind was behind me, but it so rarely is here. So I went with it.

And went. And went. And went. I also took the ipod. Oh, yeah, that is a must have addition. Both ears, I don't really want to hear the car about to run me down on those curvy country roads, sorry Baby. And no GPS, I'd rather get lost.

And lost, I got. Well, not really, I'm not sure you can get lost there. First there are all these seagulls all over the road. White. Yellow. Teal. Full on green. SB, I followed that once too. And the sun and the wind and the tried and true, satellite dish. Clear view of the southwest sky. You can't get lost, but you can get good and far from home, quick, depending on the direction of the wind. And I say, ride with it!

So I did. And then I looked at my phone and realized I was nowhere near home and the girl was about to get off work. I was about to mess the whole night up as I was out trying to turn my bladed spokes into a kite! So I snapped a picture of the cross sign nearest me and sent it. Come find me! And she did. If you did that to someone in the city (in their same neighborhood) they wouldn't have a clue as to where you were! I'm just saying...

Okay, now go on and grab yourself a seat for this one....Are you ready? I love this girl so much I am about to propose....

....a compromise.

From now on I head out on the bike and ride with the wind until I either run out of road or time. I send pix of street signs and landmarks to the girl until she gets off work. Then she comes to find me, like a scavenger hunt, throws the bike in the truck, and takes me out for a beer. Yeah, I think maybe I could get used to the country...there's just that small hitch of a job....

Did I mention she stopped and bought me chocolate milk without prompt? That's my girl.

Coaster

Beverly Hillbilly Cart. That's what she called it. My no emissions carbon footprint reducing rig...a cart? Hillbilly cart?  Baby.

I mean maybe there might be a design flaw or three. Maybe. Maybe I didn't think it completely through when I was McgYVering together a bike trailer to haul supplies and stuff out of scraps around the bike barn.

Take for example the zip tied milk crates...which got in the way of transporting the display board. She may have mentioned something about the immovable crates. Nothing about the display board.

She may have also mentioned something about weight. But we were fashioning this thing out of stuff in the yard. I mean I know they sell wood at Home Depot (who doesn't...don't answer that) but what about aluminum beams? And most people who weld, can't even do aluminum. What do you expect Baby? I'm an office manager not an architect. And I don't even have an office!

So the peg board was a nice compromise I thought...until it rained. Particle board doesn't do great in the rain. Know what else doesn't do great, in general? Pulling a loaded down trailer with a single speed. Not great at all. She didn't mention that either.

But I really can't hold her responsible for the design flaws, I was the one throwing this thing together. Not to detract from her part; she held a very important role in the cart making experience, but it's not like she came up with it. On second thought, perhaps indirectly she may have been partially responsible for the design flaws now that I think about it. Holding someone's beer as they work, as important as that may be, may also involve a few negative kickbacks.

What a Rip Off

The good news is she stopped.  And she didn't give me a thumbs up, but then I did nothing to deserve it this time.  I was sitting there at the red light minding my own business with my foot on the brake.  And then it hit me.

The other car that is.  And here's the thing you already know, insurance is a scam....and so are the people on the receiving end.  And here we are in the middle, the victims, sacrificing our time, our life, our money to support these two monsters controlling our crumpled lives.

I'm just going to say this...I don't care if anyone knows I'm driving a Honda...if they can't see that they are blind (which maybe, they shouldn't even be on the road then, I'm just saying).  I really don't care if they know it's an EX, I'd rather they not to be honest.  What I do want, is to advertise my interests...climbing, riding, a political affiliation, a favorite vacation spot....It's MY bumper, MY prime advertising space.

But after the accident who is going to replace those bumper stickers?  Not the insurance company I'll tell you that.  And WHY the hell not I ask you?  They will have been damaged as a result of the accident, for which I bear no fault, and should by all means be covered by the policy.  Really, what are we talking, 5-15 bucks tops?

You know what is covered?  Honda.  Civic. Ex.  $20. $20. $20. I. Kid. You. Not. That's not including the labor to reaffix them to the repaired trunk. We're talking $100 bucks to replace corporate advertising to MY space.  Shoot, I could use a Sharpie to replace that.  On second thought, shouldn't THEY be paying ME?

Me and My Shadow

Daddy Look!

It's a girl!  She's insane!  That's SUPER Man!

Yes, my new and improved Santa Helmet is....well, awesome.  It's a little on the top heavy side.  Not exactly aerodynamic.  I am a bit of a reverse bobble head, especially in wind.  Definitely give me all 3 feet.

There are smiles, giggles, honks, but most importantly traffic does STOP.  I mean you could buy lights and batteries and hope OR you could grab one of these babies and know.  They WILL see you!

And I have been called a bit of a Grinch this Christmas.  See, it's him not me!  But if you are going to spend a holiday alone, you might as well spend it with your shadow.  Always there (even at night in a city!), dependable, consistant, attentive...and if he's as fun as mine....!! 

So Santa if you are listening, I'd love a best friend to fall in love with.  To laugh, to cry, to listen, to talk, to compromise, to RIDE, to share the holiday and every day...but if that's too much to ask, maybe less wind on my commute?  You don't even need to stop by the house, I didn't make cookies and I'm out of beer.  GRINCH!

What's Black and White and Read All Over?

There is something to be said about good old fashioned news...as in paper, newspaper.  Not to mention the handy little bag it comes in every morning, the challenging crossword, and various biased reports from around the globe masquerading as fair and balanced...but there is the newspaper itself.

You've heard the rumors.  Sterile....well, not exactly...but it does work great to clean windows, protect ice cream, insulate clothing, make paper hats.  WHAT ABOUT PAPER MACHE!?!?  Have you ever tried to make some indiscernible object out of an e-mag??  And what about that paste....what will our youth of tomorrow stick in their mouths and attempt to digest when we walk out of the room for two seconds?

It's not ALL good that we've thrown newspapers to the wayside.  Take last night for example.  I went out for a delightful dinner, stunning conversation, bouts of joy and laughter....unbeknownst to me outside it was pouring.  And I'm not saying it's a bad night when a date ends wet, but....it's better with protection, right?  And it wasn't that kind of date, if you know what I mean.

So I got wet.  Pants, shoes, bag...surprisingly NOT my hair, go figure.  But when you ride every day- wet anything is not good, especially in winter.  Enter the newspaper.  Perfect for stuffing wet shoes...alas, not a page of paper in the joint! 

In a pinch, I tried stuffing my mouse in there, but as you can imagine it didn't help.  Thank god for hairdryers.  And the seat....well, let's just say, it's good to have a spare.

Not Enough Cents

I have my moments.  This was one of them. I hadn't the sense to come in out of the rain, so the saying goes.  Really.

The thing about rain on a bike is, you get wet.  Really wet.  Really, really wet.  It attacks from above and below.  And this was one of those rains.

Oh, you think I'm kidding.  Take a look at that picture.  That is what your phone looks like as it's about to fritz.  It didn't exactly die right there in my hand, but it might as well had.

It rained so hard...how hard was it? 

Ha, it rained so hard it turned my phone into a vibrator. No more calls, no more texts, no more pix.  Perfect.  What I needed was a phone, what I got was a no frill, cheap thrill, sex toy. I always thought the wet part came last.  The first pun was intended, the second accidental.

With a phone that did nothing but vibrate, I searched for a public pay phone.  They are obsolete dinosaurs now you know.  Back in the day I always kept a dime in my shoe.  Then a quarter in my Roos.  I knew numbers and I had the change to prove it.

But this day left me high and not so dry.  I finally found a pay phone and was itching to use it.  Problem was, after seven separate searches, all I found was forty-six cents.  Four cents shy of the inflated fee for a local call.

I guess I'll just take my vibrator and ride....intended.

Hail No, We Won't Go

The Washington area has been hard hit by a bout with Mother Nature. Hail storm, hurricane, tornado, earthshake. Nothing widespread BAD, just Mom Nature being a tease.

I mean, my neighborhood lost a few limbs, but no major trees were down. Basements weren't flooded. No significant damage to speak of. But it did RAIN, ergo, the power went dark.

I can't imagine it was a force of nature. I heard a rumor the electrons simply walked out. In the middle of a storm! Their contract was up and negotiations had been slow and tedious. Upon reaching an impasse, their union rose up and decided to take advantage of the weather to send a clear and direct message to the members, company, and the public.

To make matters worse, in a show of solidarity Freon also walked out. Yeah, you know, the frigid gas: refusing to work...go figure. It's a well known fact they are extremely cold and lacking in ardor; I think they may be making a mistake.

But I guess with the introduction of Tetrafluoroethane the writing is on the wall. With several grievances left unanswered, and the recent development in their negotiations, basically talks went cold, Freon joined the likes of Current and went out on Strike. They too, are at odds with the Company over two main issues, most notably the constant lack of power.

On the flip side, the Company, staying away from the HR nightmare of compaining about their warmth of personality, cites public pressure to protect the environment. Something about a hole in the ozone or some nonesense (according to Freon Sources). But CFCs do endanger the ozone layer of the entire planet, I'm just saying...

Meanwhile back in my freezer, the natural chunk of ice I rescued from the summer hail storm was left to sweat the consequences of the striking labor forces. No power, no Freon, no freeze. I heard Dry Ice is willing to cross the picket line, but fortunately they all got back to work before I had to decide.

One Less Cop

I felt like the winner of the Tour de Crescent, except no one shoved a flute of Honest Tea in my hand at the end. The escort--not exactly necessary

I don't mean to be disrespectful, really I'd rather see cops on the trail than not, but don't they have bikes for that? Motor or pedal I'm not overly picky. I just don't feel like we should have to rally for One Less Car on the bike path!

And here I was worried about the deterioration of the plastic on their bike helmets when they leave them in their stifling hot cars. I had no idea they were that 'for show'. FYI, if you're looking for downed trees...you're going the wrong way!

But where were you 'bout a half mile back? Air Rights Tunnel. You've heard of it...can't so much see it, but could have used an escort there. Yeah, it's a wee bit dark.

I got to be someone's Hero...okay, maybe just 'Ro (it wasn't that great). Lights can come in handy, especially after Irene. "we'll just ride behind you".

What's In Your Mary Poppin' Pants?

Drag. That sucks. I got stuck in Annapolis. While my basement was flooding. Not really. It's still dry. Although....still raining!

But I did get stuck in Annapolis. I considered trying to slip underneath the tree...it would have never worked. This never happens with my bike! It does, howEVEr, always happen when I leave EVE. I'm just sayin....

Two boys in an Explorer rode up to my rescue. An axe, rope, ratchet, pallet, yes PALLET...and close to an hour later we were free. Let's see you pull that out of your Swiss Army Pants!

It's true. McGyver wasn't gettin' us out of this one. I thought maybe as a climber I could be of some help. To boys in Annapolis?? Hardly. They have rope, webbing...and they know how to do use it. Even the girl on the other side put me to shame. All in flip flops. It was Annapolis after all!

And can you believe the basement was dry on my return? Indeed. I take chances. I like to live on the edge. I did laundry. LAUNDRY! In the middle of a rain storm? AND took a shower!

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Banks of de Nile

Trenches, ditches, reservoirs. I want a solution that doesn't involve a spade.

The weather dude says rain is coming. No doubt. For hours, days even. Exit stage left. Not to be a Snagglepuss.

We plot. We plan. I plead. Heavens to Murgatroyd! What will we do? How will we keep the water from flowing???

HE comes up with a complex solution. I shrug it off. "It will be fine. It'll be fine. It's not going to be a problem."

"Oh! Not going to be a problem she says, " he says. He wanders off in an exaggerated huff spanning the newsroom. "I guess I'll change my forecast then!"

That's What She Said

There was a sign. It said, do you prefer pleasures over God? And here I thought they went hand in hand...so to speak. oh god, oh god, OH GOD.

Speaking of which, can I just tell you about the pleasure between my legs yesterday? oh god! I will never have anything that expensive betwixt them again.

How was it, he winked.

It was the best ride ever, she beamed.

Were you going or coming, he said, so proud of himself.

She threw down her hand, knowing she got him, oh man, was I wet!

With the help of GAN's dirty little mind.

Tornadicane

I bailed on every plan I had today. And you have no idea how funny that really is. Effing hilarious. Hey Jean, tell me again why I need a basement??

I live in a war zone. And it's 1893. Apparently. Again with the power? Really? Really, really?

Someone kill the Lorax...the trees need not a fuzzy ?beaver? (I guess he's not, but doesn't he look like one?) speaking for them. Tip off Once-ler, I know a place he can get some trees....

MUST SEE. Cute cape cod perfect for a young couple or misunderstood artist. Beautiful hardwood floors throughout, finished upstairs, amazing tiled stairway, deck, spouse house out back, wading pool in the basement. CHEAP.

Do you think it would it be okay to gargle with bleach? I mean I wouldn't actually swallow it....

Petal for a Pedal

The day started nice anyway. But boy did she end in a spitting angry rage. Let's call it: Choose Your Own Death.

First I chose storm. I figured the rain would make the ride more enjoyable with a traveling natural sprinkler to cool me down.

Second I chose park. Death by car or tree? I mean I'd hate to ruin somebody's day by causing more traffic.

But turns out, it was death by electrocution. What'd I do to you?? Eye for an eye. Petal for a pedal. And I was just talking about a guy who was killed by lightning....I's so smart.

The first strike scared the shit out of me. I jerked, I weaved, I damn near fell down. THAT was close. It's true, I smell burnt toast. I could hear the electricity tickle my earlobe.

The second got me thinking. Could the overly large knife, yes KNIFE, in my bag actually draw the lightning to me? Thanks Keith! Even better: biker knocked unconscious in the 'hood....had 8" knife in bag and thousands in cash.

Verse un-Cursed

Thursday. They say power will be restored on Thursday, late Thursday. Really? On a warm, negative foot of snow, summer day?

What is this the Dark Ages? Why yes, yes it certainly is. And you'd be better off on foot, on bike, on horseback if you're trying to go anywhere.

I Got Da Powah late last night. Yippee. All is not lost. Very little was lost to be exact. Because I'm cheap, and take chances.

Let's talk ice cream. True enough, I tossed the milk; I typically have to on any given week. I didn't even try to pour off the smelly top trick. However, I savor the luxury of ice cream and I don't let go easily.

I'm not sure what they are making ice cream from these days, but it doesn't so much melt as deflate. I'm sure it's some form of cancerous plastic bi-product, but it's delicious.

The ice creamstic wasn't a milky mess in my freezer, more of a congealed cool whip variety neartastrophe. I can work with that. Just add Kahlua and Creme. Viola! A tasty beverage for human consumption.

Good Morning Electric! Yes, please, I would like a cup of freshly brewed coffee! Cream? We have cream? Oh yeah, we have CREME. Yeah, I can drink, I don't drive!

Dim Idea

I tole all'y'all. Now it's cooler outside the house and darker inside. The Unyverse is akilter--and it's all YOUR fault!

All because of a little AC. I was just fiiine without it. But noooo, you said, that just ain't right. It ain't normal. TURN.ON.YOUR.AIR.

And so I did. NOW, no one has it! BRILLIANT. GENIUS. Thanks for that!

Here I am with a misplaced headlamp, lost flashlight, and a fridge full of food. Yes! I even bought food. FINALLY. Tons. Just so I could throw it away. Nice.

At least now I have money to buy more, what with the money I'm saving on electric and all!

Cyclone

Toppled like a robust tractor in the path of an angry tornado. Flattened like a defensive tree at the sight of a funnel cloud. Laid out like the famous fainting goats.

Someone let the air out of my bicycle. No, not my tire, but my actual bicycle. Oh I feel you honey, but that's just a garden variety T storm. Stand tall Steel Trooper.

I was just doodooing along in my automobile, humming a tune, singing a song when schwhooschwooschwoo...

Weird, they should cut back those trees...they are entirely too close to my schwoobeeschwoobeedoo....OH MY, that's not right.

Sure enough my bicycle (okay an old shitty donated one) was perpendicular to my vehicular. As in the down tube was indeed DOWN, the shifters, SHIFTED, the brakes, BROKEN. The driver, YIKES!

It was old. She was tired. But please, please don't lay down on my roof!